tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29227232074356883442024-03-13T18:35:34.260+01:00Rain and SunshineRain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-41161632710612148272016-09-07T17:40:00.001+02:002017-09-09T12:07:39.718+02:00A ConfessionMaybe some of you remember that I was standing between two men.
I really thought that. I even wrote in a post I fell for that new guy..
I was truly thinking that....now 5 months after our last talk I know I didn't.
It was just an affair, not even a good one....
It is hard to talk about it, but as this is my personal Blog I am just gonna write it down.
In the first days we talked much and it was all nice and we laughed much, and then we met in person...
YES I had Sex with that guy...
I remember the first time with him....He kissed and touched me and I forced myself to push every single thought of my Ex aside.
So I kissed him back and then well I don't need to get into detail.....BUT while he had Sex with me..all I could think of was my Ex..and how it felt with him.and that it didn't feel right at all with that new guy.....It even hurt.....
Afterwards I cried, pulled my blanket up to my nose and turned my back on him....
I regretted what I had done and I felt like I would have cheated on my Ex......
The problem is I only met that guy and had an affair with him to get over my Ex, because I just knew I had to forget about him, he had made it very clear that he didn't love me anymore...maybe he never did...
I wanted to be strong and move on, after months of crying on a daily basis....and some other not so healthy stuff I did.
So that guy and I met again, in total we spent about 6 days together, from February to March, in total he had Sex with me three times.
Every time it hurt......he didn't ask me if I was okay, or if he hurt me......like my Ex did...Well I don't even want to call him Ex..weird me.
Anyway, one night...well really hard for me to write it down.....I have a little background story when it comes to sexual abuse....so maybe that's why I was so sad and hurt afterwards, mentally and physically.....I didn't even tell my mother about that one night.
He knew that I didn't want to do certain sexual things.....But that night he did it to me anyway.....and I was just closing my eyes, trying to think of something else and let him do it......Afterwards when he had a shower I shed a few tears and tried to sleep.
That wasn't all, not only the Sex was never satisfying for me, also he lied to me, played me and even got money from me.....
In May, when he was already with another woman, engaged etc. he still messaged me and wanted to sext(sending each other sexual messages) with me..I did it a few times but then finally was strong enough to block him.
I had a few hard weeks, I was confused and hurt and disappointed and I hated myself for what I did.
Now since 2 weeks, what I pushed away is coming back to me.......Overwhelming me....the pain of losing my Ex, the Man I still love.....I was hoping the pain would have gone away by now, but nope it is even more intense than before.....I can't reach him anymore....I know I have lost him forever and somehow my heart and my mind can't deal with it......All the things he did, the bad things, the things that should make me feel glad that I am without him......The only thing that's in my mind is the good time and how much I loved him, and how safe I felt with him, how much I want to hug him one last time....And I keep on asking and blaming myself.....What If I wouldn't have had that affair with that guy...,maybe I wouldnt have lost him...But when I am honest and every other person would tell me the same.....I had lost him before....maybe never had him....he cheated on me....I forgave him.we planned a future and he kept on postponing it.but i still believed him and in the end? This January he told me he can never come back due to his back......I didn't believe him......I just knew he was just done with me, bored...He hadn't have told me since months that he loves me.....and that was the end for me......I know now he lied to me in more than one thing....Still living with his friends who allegedly have kicked him out and caused him to have no money to be unable to come back (before that with the back happened),and they are not friends, it is just one single woman....So many lies......But I just have to look at a picture of him and I melt away....I would give everything to be with him for just one more week.....I wasn't prepared for this......When he flew back to Australia 2014 I didn't know it would be the last time I see him......Our weddding was planned for November 2015.....It is just so much that happened........I lost myself after I lost him...I did things I would have never done if it wouldn't have broken me to lose his love.....if there ever was love.......I am really at my worst at the moment......I want it to be over.....I have no energy, no motivation, no strength.......Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-10070913881588004842016-04-16T09:26:00.001+02:002016-04-16T09:26:53.188+02:00First of maaaaany videos (Including a lot of babbling)<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WXX3KhrHPmQ" width="459"></iframe>Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-80788720854768299022016-03-22T19:28:00.002+01:002017-09-09T12:13:21.391+02:00Oops I did it again....Yes, I did it again, again unintentionally but that doesn't make it any less of a problem.<br />
Remember when I worte that post about standing between two men?<br />
Well that is over...<br />
Ironically there is no one now....<br />
How can I explain that?<br />
Well I better start with the last time I met that Austrian Guy.<br />
It was on 3rd March 2016, we had fun, much fun, also adult fun.<br />
I felt very comfortable and he invited me to stay overnight, I did, though it wasn't planned.<br />
Well on the next day I met my sister for the first time since 3 years.<br />
Later that day the Guy and me talked on the phone, we fought.....<br />
Few days later we fought again as he couldn't understand why I was still hurt about what he said on Friday......<br />
Could have easily explained it to him but didn't as we just made the Deal that we are just friends with benefits..again.<br />
We didn't meet since then and I think we never will again....<br />
Do I need to mention that I am sad about that?<br />
Anyway last Tuesday, 15th March, he told me out of nowhere that he has a relationship since 13th March, that he loves her..........<br />
I was truly shocked, I mean all the days before he said to me he doesn't want a relationship neither with me nor with any other woman and then he tells me that?<br />
I cried, I ws hurt and really, really shocked.......<br />
On the same day him and me did some dirty talk on the phone.........yeah believe me I hate myself for that...<br />
I asked him if he doesn't think that it is cheating...for me it would be..he said no only if we would have sex.........<br />
The next day we texted........<br />
Then on friday he invited me for making out on saturday.....and I was looking forward to it.<br />
I waited the whole saturday for a message, when I gave up on waiting and just sent him a text to know if we would meet or not, only a simple "No" came back.......<br />
Well and yesterday, Monday, all was too much for me and I just wanted to have everything clarified.<br />
He blocked me on FB(he said he didn't but yeah) and my number on his phone, both I couldn't understand, I did nothing to him.......And I am surely not one of those women who do telephoneterror and such.<br />
Anyway I reached him when I used my dads phone......We talked a few minutes before he angrily hung up......<br />
Later we wrote on FB.........I also asked him a question I had in my mind since he told me he has a girlfriend ...I shouldn't have asked, the answer hurt.even though I knew the answer deep inside.<br />
He said yes he loves her, that they will even go on a holiday and that she will move to him.......<br />
Oh yes I was shocked...........and again sad.BUT this time I did pretty good.....I was crying yes but didn't show any of these emotions in my writing.<br />
Well here is the result of our talk.......some sexting........he said he likes me too, but not enough for a relationship......and that we could be friends.......<br />
Yeah Jackpot right?<br />
I didn't mention so far that he said after our first night that he fell for me......and that 2 weeks later he gave me a loveletter......signed with "In neverending love".......<br />
Back then it didn't mean much to me as I was way too much involved with my feelings for my ex..now though its fucking me up...........I always think "Why did he say such things?"<br />
Well I do know what he doesn't like about me: my look, how I dress, my overweight etc.<br />
And thus I shouldn't care that we will never be more than friends......<br />
Yeah I shouldn't but It wouldn't be my life if everything would go as it is supposed to........<br />
What I never said to him.....is that I fell for him........<br />
I know it since 4th March....I decided not to tell him, as he wanted no relationship and we were at that time only friends with benefits.......<br />
I will still not tell him, how could I? Now that I know im just a bro...........<br />
Brokenhearted again............I am obviously cursed.with falling for the wrong men........<br />
Stupid heart.........<br />
I wish our affair would have lasted longer as it was really good to just forget about my broken heart, my lost love, and other trouble...........<br />
Now I'm back to sleepless and overthinking.....<br />
<br />
<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-39179000152425936242016-03-07T20:54:00.003+01:002017-09-09T12:15:58.959+02:00My LAST Fight!I have been through a lot in my life.......Soon I am going to be 26 and no I didn't reach any of my goals, I didn't achieve anything.<br />
I have given up on myself totally twice in my life........<br />
First time was back in 2009, it took me three years to find a bit strength to get back up, the next years I grew stronger also thanks to my now ex, who, despite of all the damage he caused to my heart, helped me a lot.<br />
Then just in January this year, after we had almost no contact for a year, he finally told me he wont come back......He allegedly can't.<br />
I don't believe that, because if it would be true that he still wants and loves me, why doesn't he write nor call me?<br />
Anyway this shall not be about my previous, at the same time first, relationship.<br />
So after he told me that, I fell again, in an even deeper and darker abyss than 2009.<br />
I didn't want to live anymore, I thought about suicide very often, also about cutting but only once cut.<br />
I lost all my strength in the blink of an eye, which made it even worse for I thought the strength I had I only had with him and that I should feel ashamed for being so weak.<br />
Then just on 4th February I met a guy online on FB, he, different to my ex who lives in Australia, lives in Vienna/Austria just like me.......We talked on the phone every day till the 8th when we first met in real life.<br />
Since then, and yes I know its not that long, he often hurt me with things he said about me, my looks, my opinions.<br />
Now since 3 days we didn't talk on the phone...<br />
Oh yes did I mention we are supposed to be friends with benefits?.....Yeah can you imagine me doing that?<br />
Nope me neither.........<br />
I was never a person who has no emotions, I am very emotional and sensitive but sometimes we agree to things just to not lose someone...<br />
Anyway I just realize now, that he is no different than all the others who hurt me in my life....<br />
I am still alone and I kinda lost hope it will ever change...<br />
BUT there is 1 thing, better said 2 people in my life that I love and for whom I want to be there for as long as I can, for as long as God lets me be alive.<br />
Just recently they entered my life again, back in November.<br />
It is my sister and my brother I am talking about.<br />
This is going to be my last fight, I will do what I can to gain strength, just not sure how to do that, but I will eventually find a way.<br />
I just recently met my sister after 3 years she is 14 now, and has some mental issues herself, she and my brother live in a foster family since almost 13 years........<br />
I love her and I can truly say she is my soulmate. I also love my brother.<br />
I will always be there for them. I made that promise to my sister and I am determined to keep that promise.<br />
I will somehow find a way to gain at least enough strength to not totally give up on me, I have to move on, I have to be there for them.<br />
This is gonna be my last fight.......<br />
Seriously, and it is going to be the hardest because I lost all I ever had and ever loved......<br />
<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-56519953787805345622016-02-09T11:16:00.002+01:002017-09-09T12:17:15.258+02:00Two Men = One too much<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Who would have ever thought that this could happen to me?<br />
Well I didn't even think that there was a tiny little chance for me to ever get into such a situation, but now I am here.<br />
Standing between two men, not knowing what to do.<br />
Insecure about my feelings.<br />
One man is the one I loved more than my life (I don't even know if I should say loveD or love)<br />
That man was my first true love, my first man in so many ways.<br />
I loved him for such a long time and I still have feelings for him, I just don't know what kind of.<br />
Do I still love him? Or is it just the memories I have with him? Do I love him still or do I love how we used to be?<br />
One man is the one I met just a week ago online, and met in real life just yesterday.....<br />
That man is really nice and I like talking with him, He makes me laugh.<br />
He is the one who made me "forget" about the other one for a whole day, which didn't happen since I met the other 3 years ago.<br />
What exactly do I feel for him? I don't know, now that I know how it feels when I truly love someone, I have to admit I don't love him that way, not yet.....<br />
But saying I don't care for him would be a lie. Saying he is just a friend would be a lie.<br />
And I don't wanna lie to anyone and I don't wanna ever lie again to myself.<br />
What shall I do? I don't know.<br />
The man I was with for 3 years is obviously not loving me anymore, if he ever did......<br />
We went through so much together, so many bad times, yet so many good times and not to forget about the times it was perfect.<br />
I felt safe in his arms, I felt like finally having someone to trust, someone to fight for me and with me for a good future.<br />
We were engaged, our wedding should have been in November last year.....<br />
So it is probably too soon to fall in love again.<br />
Especially because neither of us ended it yet.....<br />
He was just no longer responding to Messages and Calls, he does comment under some pictures online even using a nickname for me just a few days ago, which made me smile.<br />
So the question of the questions is: What if HE, the one I fell in love with 3 years ago, would call me or write me that he still loves me, that he wants to be with me? Would I let the other man down and go back to him or would I tell him I found someone new?<br />
I always thought such a question is easy to answer....well it is not!<br />
Standing between two men, not knowing what to feel, not knowing whom to trust and believe........<br />
I was betrayed by my first man and even if I would fall for the second one, how could I ever trust in Love again?............Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-64589212126317398182016-01-10T13:37:00.002+01:002016-01-10T13:37:45.345+01:00How BULLYING affects my lifeDont wonder this is a remake, I am not 22 anymore...........for any questions just contact me.....<br />
Believe me it was still so damn hard to make this video, the memories come back and the pain and fear...........<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YatVuluG1zQ">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YatVuluG1zQ</a>Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-65431025433592167022015-11-28T05:53:00.001+01:002015-11-28T05:53:43.455+01:00#OursToLose: Climate Change Affects the Things We Love<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/UgOV1dYdYVk" width="480"></iframe>Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-66296390047764217542015-10-11T23:27:00.001+02:002017-09-09T12:18:39.316+02:00It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved?<span style="font-family: inherit;">If I ever meet someone who tells me "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved", I would have to punch him in the face and say: "Hey, this is not true, I have loved and I have lost and it hurts more than anything could ever hurt.<br />If I would have never met Love though, the pain, that will always be a part of me, wouldn't be there.<br />So stop going around, telling people this lie.<br />If they love and lose they <b><u>WILL</u></b> hurt to the core of their soul and it will literally feel like dying, and a part of them <b><u>WILL</u></b> actually die.<br />If they never love, they will miss out on something spectacular, something that keeps you warm in the cold, something that makes you cry when you are happy and laugh when you are sad BUT at least they will never have to deal with the heartbreaking, backstabbing, undying pain."<br /><br />Love and Lose = heartbreaking Pain<br />Never love = Missing out on something amazing, no heartbreaking Pain</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />And that's the truth and nothing but the truth!</span>Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-55350681481908684612015-10-07T09:05:00.000+02:002017-09-09T12:19:20.061+02:00Dear Mr. UnnamedCan you remember when you told me that the kind of Love I want exists only in books and movies?<br />
And that I am naive to expect it from anyone?<br />
Here is my late reply, I may have been naive to expect it from someone who thinks it doesn't exist.<br />
But I know it does exist in real life and I have various proofs for that.<br />
Take a look at social media or Youtube and you will find heaps and heaps of videos, pictures, stories and footage of people who love each other the way I want to be loved, the way I love you.<br />
People who are married for 50 years or more and still feel comfortable with each other, people who see each oher everyday, and surely have fights and bad days but still manage to keep the fire burning.<br />
People who do put work in a relationship so it never grows old, people who are there for each other always, people who keep promises, people who truly love each other and don't need no other woman/man. People who truly live "Until death do us part".<br />
Actually I should feel sorry for you because you will never ever experience such a love, you can't because you don't even believe it exists.<br />
So what I expected was never a perfect relationship or a perfect love, that doesn't exist, what I expected was the kind of love you think only exists in movies, books and is a fairytale that little girlies who never grew up believe.<br />
The kind of love that is true, pure, honest and worth more than anything and can't be compared with the love for a child, a parent or a friend........<br />
It's the kind of love people call True Love, the realest love between two people who meet one day and feel as if they had always known each other.............<br />
<br />
TRUE LOVE DOES EXIST and if you or anyone else don't believe it does I don't care for I know it does even though not everyone will experience it...........<br />
<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-42266458296195579632015-10-04T08:28:00.002+02:002015-10-04T08:28:29.778+02:00October - a not so good monthYes it is october and yes I do like the colder months more than the hot ones.......<br />
I do like Halloween a lot.<br />
But still October is not a good month.especially this year.<br />
<br />
Where shall I start?<br />
Hmm well yesterday we had 24 degrees and the sun was shining, and I hate it, I think we had enough summer.......but that's the climatic change, whom some still deny.<br />
<br />
But what's worse than the weather is that in just 28 days my 3rd anniversary would have been.<br />
Why I say woud have been? Well guess...<br />
And well the 31st October will always have a bad meaning.<br />
On that day 12 years ago my siblings were taken away from us and I was taken away too from home but "only" for a year while my siblings never returned........<br />
<br />
I remember it as it would have been yesterday it was horrible and the day seemed to be froever ruined......until I met HIM online at night of the 31st October 2012, back then I didn't know what this guy would mean to me and how things would be.<br />
Back then I had made a video about my bullying story, I did that after I read that Amanda Todd killed herself, I saw her video and decided to do the same, not to get Likes or attention but to open up and to try to get over it. It was the first time ever that I uploaded a video to Youtube and with that it all started.<br />
<br />
I then wrote to a page that I liked before called "Amanda Todds Safe Haven" and asked them if I could post my video on their page..........Two of the admins messaged me back, one was a woman I can't remember her name she was really nice and said yes, so I did that.<br />
The second message was from a man, he was encouraging me and telling me that he finds me courageous to do something like that.<br />
He made me a few compliments and I was really happy about it as I used to hide, because of my weight and looks and such.<br />
So well I posted the video and well that man messaged me more often, in the next days we talked a lot on FB......We flirted and I started feeling more for him, something I could define back then...........<br />
After a while I got messages from women telling me he does that to every woman who seems fragile or has mental conditions, the other admins of that page even kicked him out because he allegedly has used that page to get in touch with various girls there.......<br />
I remember the shock and the pain I felt.<br />
He said he didn't do that ad that I was special.....and when I said I am not sure about our contact he said he will send me a heart everyday while I am away........When I came back from my grandparents I saw the messages, everyday he had sent me a heart.....I could no longer deny what I was feeling and for the first time in my whole life I was truly in love......<br />
From that day on our journey began, many ppl threw obstacles in our way, somehow we managed to make it through even through the worst times.......of cheating, lies and a breakup......<br />
People have warned me, my own grandparents mistreated him........<br />
I always stood up for him even though I had trust issues, and it took me a long time before I could trust him.<br />
So in just 4 more weeks it would have been our 3rd anniversary and a month later our wedding was planned..........Neither of that will happen.<br />
<br />
Maybe we were just too different, had to different needs in a relationship and maybe our mental conditions made it all even worse. Or maybe all were right and he is just a player..I was an easy target for I was the one fighting fro him and us...maybe he was just an ass but I still find it hard to think that as we did have great times and talks......<br />
<br />
I remember all the bad fights we had online and in person..<br />
We had only 13 weeks in total in person as he lives in Australia while I live in Austria.<br />
<br />
I do know though he was my first true love.<br />
I dont know if he cheated more than once, or if he lied, or if he really ever wanted to move to my country and live with me.....I don't know any of these things......All I know is my life is empty without him.....<br />
And no I am not overdramatic this is how I feel and I can't deal with the situation, so I just sit on my laptop and play games all day long till I go to bed......I know that I have to move on......I keep on telling myself that I am not allowed to love him anymore,..<br />
<br />
Since a few days I am pretty good in repressing certain thoughts and feelings.........but I either feel numb, sad or hopeless......but well I have to force myself to do certain things as my life is not over yet.....it is more an existing but I have to keep on existing until my day has come.......Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-47037953884172498872015-09-30T09:12:00.001+02:002015-09-30T09:15:03.785+02:00Is it Dependency or Love? Two different kinds of Dependency<br />
<br />
Many ppl don't understand what true love is. Some even confuse it with dependency.<br />
<br />
Yes when u are without the one u love u feel lonely, you are weak, sad and it seems nothing makes sense and yes it sounds like dependency or being overdramatic but do u know what it is? Love!<br />
<br />
Dependency is not love it is a condition someone feels, caused from the fear of being alone, clinging to a person who claims to love u so u don't have to be alone,<br />
<br />
So believe me I know both btdt.......Never confuse Love with Dependency just because things are meaningless to u when you are without the one u love!<br />
<br />
I myself can truly say I love someone and thus my happiness and the way I feel is in a way dependant on him just because only with him I can be happy, he doesn't understand that never did but now it doesn't matter anyway,<br />
<br />
I just want to tell u, whoever reads this, never let anyone tell u that it is wrong to feel sad or feel like you can't be truly happy without the one you love, that is true love, that is sadly how it feels.......But never be afraid of truly loving someone it s the strongest feeling, and surely the best you can ever feel.<br />
<br />
As some of you may now I have some serious mental conditions and yes also dependent traits(whatever that means lol) nah seriously I think I do know what it means and as I wrote in this post it comes from my past and things I experienced. It made me totally clinge on my mother when I was a child until a few years ago. She was the only one I had and I always tried to make her proud and impress her, I always wanted to be loved by her, like I was when I was a little child.<br />
<br />
I guess in the eyes of some that is dependency. I was never dependent on him though, he just never realized or cared.<br />
<br />
So let me end this post again with saying Dependency is not Love but true Love will cause you to be a bit dependent on the other one, like I said with feeling happy or complete, that is not wrong and not weird that is how it should be and ur partner doesn't feel the same? He says he can be happy without you etc.? Then he doesn't truly love you......Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-75782633515808231262015-09-19T21:09:00.000+02:002015-09-19T21:09:16.100+02:00A Super Bowl Halfshow, Bruno Mars and some memories<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Oh damn it, I should have seen that coming...</div>
<br />Well I never watched the Super Bowl simply becos I live in Austria and I never saw a Half Time Show but this here just blew me away...........daaaaaamn and to know that there were ppl saying he couldn't do that or that he shouldn't becos he is not a star makes me roll my eyes.<br /><br />This was just amazing and the most powerful, greatest 14 minutes I have ever seen.<br />He was amazing just the way he is :)<br />He has an awesome voice and he dances like out of the world...........and then combined with the Red Hot Chili Peppers that must have been awesome to see live.<br />I mean I looove music and this was IT it was pure, raw music at its best. This is how music has to be, fun, and enjoyable, emotional. <br /><br />At the end his song well that kinda threw me off the cliff.<br />I love that song I find it beautiful and well I remember when I first met that one man I love so much and my mum(who is a huge Bruno Fan) listened to the Bruno Mars Cd I bought her and it played that song and he didn't know the song but when he heard it he said it's a great song and that this is what he would say to me.........so it became one of our songs I don't know if he remembers though.......<br /><br />I remember listening to the Cd with him, my mum and pa in the car, him and I held each others hands and looked forward to the place we drove, and then it played that song again and "Marry Me" and he looked into my eyes and nodded..........So this brings back memories............<br /><br />And well I am so envious cos when we met online it was a few months before my mums birthday and he wanted me to choose something for her and he would pay for it as I couldn't afford anything better than a Cd or such as I don't have money, so I thought it would be awesome to gift her two tickets for the Bruno Mars Concert in our homecity Vienna, he bought the tickets and at her Birthday he was here in Vienna and we gave her the tickets, she was screaming and so happy.<br />I was happy for her, she had never been to a concert before neither had I so I wish I would have been there too LOl but anyway my mother and I have a very complicated relationship and lately it became worse, but back then I just wanted to thank her at least once for giving birth to me and raising me on her own, dealing with my problems as well as her own including violence, depressions etc.<br />We both had a hard time and it does suck that we didn't make it.<br />But she will always be my mother and I will always love her, I have some great memories with her.<br />She did a lot of shitty things and we mostly don't talk or interact, she is mostly badmouthing me, stabbing my back or just rude...........but I did make my peace with it. It is sad and I wish I would have still a mother, I mean I have her but she is not really a mother since years.<br />
I would love her to be a mother who loves me who shows it, who supports me, but yeah anyway. Don't want to mess this post up ;) So awesome show loooove it!Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-70944196477375908732015-09-19T04:44:00.002+02:002015-09-19T04:44:38.112+02:00Sleepless in Vienna....again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kJ54QxaK-mg/VfzLuueHoII/AAAAAAAAA-Y/VBmFryB-GUI/s1600/3149717_orig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kJ54QxaK-mg/VfzLuueHoII/AAAAAAAAA-Y/VBmFryB-GUI/s320/3149717_orig.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Well first and foremost Hello to everyone who will read this.</div>
<br />
I didn't write since a long time even though there is so much going on in my mind all the time that I could possibly easily fill pages every day.<br />
<br />
However my mood is really kinda knocking me out at the moment but just now i had the urge to write a short post.<br />
<br />
Yeah at 4:23 am........some might think that is weird or that I have to work or whatever.<br />
Well let me explain (but it is weird too)<br />
I had troubles with my sleep since I was a child.<br />
It just gets more and more frustrating, exhausting.<br />
It happens often especially since a few years.<br />
<br />
I had some fine months where I was able to sleep during the night for about 7-8 hours, it was when I was happy and calm and motivated because of my relationship.<br />
Now I am having troubles again.<br />
<br />
So because I can't sleep I play games online or watch some stuff on Youtube.........<br />
When I get really tired I try to sleep but it doesn't work.<br />
So I take meds to do so.<br />
The meds I take then are the ones my shrink gave me so I am not buying sleeping pills or such, actually because my mum doesn't allow me to do that as she says you can easily become an addict.<br />
Anyways, I have to take certain meds on a daily basis including Pills that shall help me fall asleep and are against depression and anxiety.<br />
I have to take 100 mg every day before I go to bed, but sadly lately it doesn't help.<br />
Not only because I become used to it I take them since a few years) but also because my mental health seems to get worse especially now that I am having a very rough time.<br />
So what I did a few times lately is taking another 150 mg at 2am, then I fall asleep like 20 minutes later, it totally calms me, my mind stops racing, it is a very nice feeling, the pain is gone for a while.<br />
Did that last night and slept 12 hours during the day.<br />
So here I am now again, not able to sleep even though I am tired.<br />
Then just before a songtext came to my mind and I had to write it down......along with it I wrote 3 short poems, afterwards I was very exhausted and that is a new feeling, as whenever I used to write anything it didn't exhaust me, this time it did............Well I hope no one of you has those problems, wish you all a good night or a good day wherever you are.Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-49233737099206779132015-07-08T21:09:00.001+02:002015-07-08T21:09:28.361+02:00PCOS - One of my physical conditions who make Life harder<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">I am a bit scared about my physical health at the moment......</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">Probably by now all of u know my mental conditions as I have nothing to hide, I do have some physical conditions too. one of them is the Hashimoto Syndrom, which holds a bigger risk for miscarriage.....and then i have also PCOS which holds the same risk but more........My doctor diagnosed it a year ago and she told me too take Dietary supplements, they would cost 40 euro a month so I was never able to take them an</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">d that's why I wasn't there for a second time in november....I always worry about me never being able to have a child and considering that I have this conditions my concern is sadly appropriate.</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">Anyway at the moment I am having biiiiiig trouble with the PCOS.......can't go to the doctor for we don't have the money for it + it wouldn't do anything for I can't afford the supplements and I am scared that it got worse.........I remember how scared I was when I first was there, I feared she would tell me something like that......Umm well im alone with this as well as with my other problems.......And I just also learned that there is a higher risk for cancer, diabetes etc...and one of the most important things is to lose weight.......I am obese and for some reason since a few years I even gain weight when I eat healthy or not much...Could also be my meds too..........But well often I don't look at what I eat......I am just upset for I have an eating disorder and when I try to lose weight and see that it doesn't work good I tend to give up...Back then when I lost 40kg I wasn't doing it very healthy.........so to speak...well bulemia says it all....and I am a person that wants too much I guess I set too high goals for myself always did that when I was in school........Always wanted to be a good student, I am a perfectionist sadly.......And the same goes for losing weight....for example if i would lose 10 kilos in 6 months I would freak ............In my eyes i have to lose 10kg at least in a month!.....shitty thing all this and I do wonder why I must have these conditions on top of my mental ones.</span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">Yes i know many many otehrs have it worse I know that and i do care about that! But it is hwo it is for me the things I have to deal with are exhausting me, saddening me, scaring me........<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome" target="_blank">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome</a></span>Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-59348750904241040812015-03-25T22:53:00.000+01:002015-03-25T22:53:27.285+01:00Many many many bad words :)<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hSnjtMphrhM/VRMuNhVYAiI/AAAAAAAAA5U/0mONMC2y0TA/s1600/fuck.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hSnjtMphrhM/VRMuNhVYAiI/AAAAAAAAA5U/0mONMC2y0TA/s1600/fuck.gif" height="200" width="320" /></a></div>
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FUCK FUCK FUCK I go fucking crazy with this piece of shit that my laptop and this damn internet is!! I am so damn angry I really screamed at my laptop, I just talked to my grampa and I wont get the new laptop in the next few months at least....I am freaking in this second, cos I have to be very lucky and I am certainly not, if this laptop works one more week. I am just pissed cos that happens when u are dependant to anyone, they fucking let u fall ALWAYS! And NOOOOOOO it's not about that fucking laptop or money, I mean that in general.....good okay I admit maybe this gets to me so much as I cried my eyes out again, this is shit, the whole situation I am in is shit and I ask myself who am I kidding,<br />
Whom do I want to convince that I am fucking ok? Others? Or myself?.....:/<br />
I am just one stupid piece of shit.<br />
I am just stupid, really that's not my selfhatred that's a fact!<br />
I am so sick of this all.<br />
YEARS of fake ppl, fake friends, fake family, emotional abuse, lies, cheating....Still I am trying it again and again I give everyone a chance and believe that some ppl really care for me.<br />
What a stupid cunt I am. I am just stupid, I deserve all this, I deserve to be treated like shit, it's my own fault cos I just don't understand it obviously. If it would be possible I swear I would beat myself. Just a few minutes ago what did I do? Trying to sleep but couldn't of course. and then listened to music, lovesongs + sad, and had the urge to look at the things I have left from my true love, no that's not all I even put that damn Engagment necklace around my neck.....I just don't get how one person can be so retarded and I mean myself!<br />
No wonder everyone does with me what they want its so easy! No wonder I 'even have a job with 24, ppl say I am intelligent?<br />
Oh yeah totally agree *sarcasm*.....................<br />
<br />
PS: Sorry for the insults, but I guess u guyz wont be mad at me, its not like I would insult someone else ;)Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-85544120605624908972014-12-17T19:48:00.000+01:002014-12-17T19:48:56.090+01:00The World becomes the worst place in the Universe<br />
<br />
<a href="http://cnn.it/1tW4gOU">http://cnn.it/1tW4gOU</a><br />
<br />
I have to be serious now, this shocked me big time, I almost cried and it's absolutely horrible that things like that happen, and they happen there daily.<br />
They say things are gonna change but NOTHING changes,<br />
How can the rest of the world ignore this huge problem?<br />
Just because they are "only" women? Shouldn't they have the same rights?<br />
So instead of using energy for starting wars everywhere just because some people don't respect others, people should focus on how bad the world already is and try to fix that.<br />
It's awful to know that rape is so common there and no one seems to care!<br />
I am so damn angry, things like that really get to me because of my personal experiences, and just seeing or hearing about things like that makes me really sad.<br />
I am sad that I can't do anything against such cruelty, all I can do is writing about it, posting it and hope one day the world will wake up.....hopefully then it wont be too late.Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-71423260819233653702014-12-14T09:14:00.000+01:002014-12-17T20:09:55.993+01:00Cold.....Colder......FROZEN<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b8r-L7FYcAI/VI1Gl-mxJdI/AAAAAAAAA4Y/axu5ZBmJhIM/s1600/frozen-heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b8r-L7FYcAI/VI1Gl-mxJdI/AAAAAAAAA4Y/axu5ZBmJhIM/s1600/frozen-heart.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a>When I was younger and someone in a movie or in real life said their hearts are frozen I never knew what they meant, I couldn't imagine a heart being frozen.<br />
Now that changed.<br />
<br />
I freeze inside, it's like it would be snowing inside of me, a storm swirling the snowflakes around my shattered heart, filling the cuts slowly with snow and ice so it freezes to the core.....<br />
<br />
I literally freeze inside, it feels like when u are sick and have ague, the only difference is that u are not sick....well not physically even though I do have physical problems as well becos of it but that's what bothers me least.<br />
I shiver inside and I can't do anything to stop it.<br />
It is getting colder and colder inside of me.<br />
It hurts so damn much, like literally losing a bodypart to frostbite.....<br />
It feels like the ice is inside my heart, right there where it feels most intense...<br />
Like my heart becomes cracked from all the ice.....<br />
<br />
I am so afraid of freezing......<br />
I am alone, no one is there to keep me warm....<br />
<br />
<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-77415388988513409972014-12-08T07:14:00.001+01:002014-12-17T20:09:01.615+01:00SUMMARY OF THE LAST 4 WEEKS of my life:<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<u></u><strike style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vXW411X2t14/VIVAtp4AfAI/AAAAAAAAA4I/f47eeojCALw/s1600/Depression-depression-33252772-800-707.png" height="280" width="320" /></strike></div>
<b><span style="color: white;">1)</span></b> my granny got hit by a car, sent to hospital, put into a coma<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">2)</span></b> their house burnt down, becos my aunt threw ash away<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">3)</span></b> on 12th November my granny died in hospital, I was crying two days in a row for I didn't see her one last time ,and becos I blamed myself because I wasn't there for her, I should have done something, I don't know what but she deserved a better life. I''ll never forgive myself for not seeing here once again and telling her she wont be forgotten and is loved.<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">4)</span></b> my aunt(who lived with her) had a go at me on the phone because I said I wouldn't attend the funeral(reasons were that they are hypocriticals and I was afraid that my bio father would start a fight there at the grave)<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">5)</span></b> a week after the funeral she called me again, was aggressive and told me to stop the shit, didn't know what she meant and she said I have to stop writing about my family on the internet otherwise....so she threatened me and I know that it wasn't her who found me on FB, I bet it was my bio father and yes I am scared, not only I know what my father is capable of but also they could easily ruin everything I have built in the last months on the internet<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">6)</span></b> we have no money, less than usual, sometimes not even enough to buy bread<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">7)</span></b> my mum will quit her job, she can't bear it any longer physically and mentally<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">8)</span> </b>last week they were 3times at the icesaloon and pizzeria where they drank alcohol(8-10 hours),<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">9)</span></b> In november it was planned that me and my grampa drive to salzburg for vacation, I couldn't drive with him, I decided that when I was already in the car with my bags, he was furious and wrote me a message on the next day saying I am dead for him(actually didn't bother me there are not many ppl anymore who can hurt me)<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">10)</span></b> since july I applied for about 25 jobs and always got a NO, not good for my not existant selfconfidence<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">11)</span></b> had a selfhurting relapse<br />
<b><span style="color: white;">12)</span></b> in all this time there was 1 thing that made it all worse, one thing that hit me very bad, one thing that sent me right to depressionland, something that really hurt me....no contact with the one I love....since almost 4 weeks he is like this and I cried every damn day, I had to take more meds, I feel so alone, hurt sad and yes I fear it is over...I know things can come to an end but not in such a way...so through all this shit lately I had to go alone...well I am used to that but I thought I never ever have to deal with things like that alone, he promised.....this one thing is stabbing my heart and pulling my soul out of my body......Tomorrow and wednesday I have two meetings and I have no damn idea where to get the strength from as my depression is so bad at the moment that I don't shower, comb my hair etc more often than once a week.....I hate it I can only lie in bed, cry or distract myself with laughing with my parents when they are home.......and always my thoughts are with him....Why? Sometimes I think I am just stupid and that's what I deserve, maybe I am the one to blame at least for that last thing cos deep inside I always feared that we wouldn't make it.....I just didn't want to see it, I still don't want it to end.....I hate myself for still loving him.........<br />
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<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-32790962271037572522014-11-14T13:33:00.001+01:002014-11-14T13:33:28.173+01:00FROZEN - my favorite Disney Movie.......and I love ELSA and this song!!!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/moSFlvxnbgk" width="480"></iframe>Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-77425671688461750582014-10-25T16:38:00.002+02:002014-12-17T20:06:02.780+01:00Somebody to lean on?Some of u may read that my dad has a thrombosis, thank god he will be okay.<br />
Well just a few days after that diagnosis my aunt called me...my granny had a bad car accident, she is 81, was sent to hospital, now she is on the intensive care unit, her leg is broken and she has a cerebral hemorrhage, they had to put her into a coma.........She also has cancer since years.....<br />
Well I do think she wont survive that long and I was in shock, I cried.<br />
I didn't have that much contact with her in the last years but I can honestly say I am the only one in this family who honestly cares, but thats another story....<br />
No one showed compassion for me, that made it worse.....I felt alone.again.<br />
So here I am, having the flu, being sad becos of my granny and well just in general.......<br />
I really could use a hug, a nice word, warmth and someone who holds me..<br />
Don't we need that all?<br />
A person, only one person where we can let our walls come down and be weak?<br />
To whom we can go when we are certain that we can't fight any longer?<br />
Someone who is there for us in our darkest hours?<br />
Yeah well if u are religious u have ur faith, I have my faith as well but that's not what I mean, I mean a human being.......<br />
I wish that person could be my fiancee, I love him so much, we will probably marry next year..........but he can't be there like this for me..I know it's not his fault as he has conditions and problems on his own.but the only person I can think of daily and especially when I am sad is him, I want him to hug me, kiss me on the forehead, hold me, well simply be there for me as I am and always will be for him as good as I can and when he let me......:( I know that only he could make me feel content, save and happy..........And it breaks my heart to know he can't be there for me like this anymore......it's not fair.........<br />
And I have no idea how to deal with that fact...it is so hard and I know it's not good for me, neither mentally nor physically when I need to hold back my thoughts and feelings........it's a shitty thing......but I have to do so.........<br />
He was the one who made me believe in myself and my dreams, he made me go out in public again, he gave me so much strength....<br />
Only becos of him I got my will to live back...and my faith that there is a future for me......he once said I would never ever be alone again..he would always be there for me to protect and support me.....and now he can't........<br />
It hurts so much especially becos I know if he reads this he will be upset, disappointed and angry at me......I do everything I can to be the best fiancee, I love him, I care for him I am there for him but he never sees it.......I wish we both wouldn't have our baggage.......I wish we would be "normal" ........Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-70799703579502113772014-10-17T04:39:00.001+02:002014-10-17T04:39:00.342+02:00Disney Frozen on Ice Skating Highlights From Debut Show - Let it Go Anna...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/AswKaN2MFZ4" width="480"></iframe>Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-4167444108751358992014-09-21T06:10:00.001+02:002014-12-17T20:03:08.558+01:00Complicated........Yeah my life is complicated, it has always been and maybe it will always be.<br />
<br />
Well I am sitting here and write this post, while P!nk sings "Fu**in Perfect", one of my favorite songs.<br />
Coincidence? Not sure.<br />
<br />
Anyway...I don't feel very good since a few days.<br />
Yes it's again because of my fiancee.<br />
<br />
Just a few hours ago he sent me a SMS, telling me I shall never doubt his love for me.......<br />
I don't know what to say, I mean I guess he does know he didn't contact me in any way since thursday?<br />
(We have a long distance rel.)<br />
<br />
I was just lying down, about to sleep when the phone rang(the SMS).......and immediately, even though I was already kinda drifting into sleep, I was awake and sitting in my bed, having a weird feeling, like a stone would have fallen from my heart.<br />
I told myself "Okay calm down, maybe it is not him" but then I thought, who else would send me a SMS at midnight? (he lives in Australia)<br />
When I read it, I immediately started crying........<br />
Then I couldn't go back to sleep, so since then I sit here and play games on FB(it's now 6am).<br />
I have problems with my sleep and especially lately it was horrible..I am kinda tired now but in a way I stayed awake to not have to deal with my feelings......and actually to don't have to admit that after all, and after all the tears I cried because of him, just in the last few days, just this SMS made me feel better and gave me energy and even the shaking and being not able to breathe properly is gone......<br />
I hate to admit it, but that's him.........<br />
It's amazing, wonderful but at the same time scary and annoying that he has such a power over me and my feelings...........<br />
<br />
Just before I got this SMS from him I was talking to myself(only in my mind) that I have to focus on myself and my life, that I have to move on and accept it's never gonna work........<br />
And then exactly in that moment the SMS arrived.........Coincidence? Not sure again....<br />
<br />
Complicated? YES for sure.........one word to describe my life? COMPLICATED......hmm sounds like an idea for a movie about my life ;) LOL<br />
<br />
<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-69074512664787497712014-09-08T17:22:00.002+02:002014-12-17T20:00:49.160+01:00When u have to apologize for buying food.........NO I don't joke....<br />
<br />
First I have to say I still live at home(I am 24, right now looking for a job so I can move out as things get worse here, I am still here because mental problems made me unable to work....)<br />
<br />
So my awesome, and so generous mother let me stay here, I get food(if we have money) and my meds(at least most of them).<br />
<br />
Okay some of you may know that I have a lot of stress with my mother and her husband especially lately.<br />
Anyway things were better after I decided to stay home alone on the weekends while they are in the House.<br />
<br />
Yes well till today...<br />
My mother gave me 30 Euros on friday for food and drinks for the three days.<br />
She allowed me to order food.<br />
Which I did on friday(after I decided I have to eat something even though the stress with my fiancee didn't let me be very hungry), I ordered food for 28,90Euro(I spent all 30 because I planned to only order once and dont eat on the other days)<br />
I don't have to tell you, that things are expensive no matter where u buy them especially lately we had very high raisings here in austria, but anyway....<br />
On sunday I got hungry and really struggled with the decision but ordered again(no shops are open on Sunday here) ordered for 22,90. (I do think it's not fair that u had to order at least for 20 Euros as that has changed with that delievery service).<br />
<br />
So yes can u imagine that? I was sooo scared of telling my parents but eventually I did.<br />
Now my mother came home from work....<br />
Oh yeah and the shitstorm hit me.<br />
She got upset, yelled at me, said she has no money and that they never can buy things for themselves, can't enjoy the life etc.<br />
I was shocked and well of course defended myself as she is the one who always says she supports me as good as she can.........BS!<br />
Considering that they spend 300 euros a month alone for cigarettes plus a lot of money for alcohol it kinda made me upset.<br />
Well of course it's her money as she works to earn it, but how can she dare to yell at me?<br />
How can she dare to say she has nothing from life? They were just on 2 festivals lately.........<br />
Then when I got upset and said that I have no idea what's her problem and I think she is unfair......she said I am only in that mood because of the stress with my fiancee.........Yeah that made me angry and I said thats BS and that I am upset because she blames me for us not having enough money........<br />
She then yelled at me that they know what's up with me and that I want to fight with them and well simply that I am the one to blame for everything......I am used to that but yes it brought tears to my eyes and my hands were shaking.......my nerves...<br />
But she didn't care, and he didn't either as he said nothing....<br />
So I went to my room where I am now and had to write this post........<br />
Just today the shaking and panic attacks stoped(that I had to deal with since a few days) and now this? Greeeeeat.........I am hungry now but wont eat anything and she can keep the money(as I bought the second meal from my birtdhay money)........<br />
<br />
I hope I will find a job soon so I can buy what I want and I hope I will never ever have to endure times of not having enough money to buy food.....(as I often had to endure in the past and recent past)<br />
<br />
Yes I would need my man.....but as we have stress at the moment I am all alone.....and I want to be there for him as well even though I can't understand why he feels the way he feels now and is like he is now to me.......but I love him so I want to be there for him and will be, I just think it's so typical my life, when one tornado hits me, a hurricane is not so far away...WOW that was poetic :) and I made myself smile.....never thought I would have that much strength.......still I am not strong enough I think...but who knows? maybe I will be one day :)Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-89365018931816497432014-09-07T05:37:00.000+02:002014-12-17T19:57:10.508+01:00When a very short and simple SMS changes your day....Well then it's either bad news or from someone special.<br />
<br />
In my case it is from someone special....<br />
If you read my previous post you know it's a rough time with my fiancee at the moment.<br />
Well the SMS was from him, it simply said "Guten Morgen mein Liebchen" (yes it is german, because I live in Austria and he knows a few things in german already)<br />
What can I say? I had to smile, just a little smile....not as big as the ones I had before this rough time started BUT a smile..and still he is the One who does that, who is able to make me smile, when I don't feel like it at all......<br />
I don't know how I can describe what I feel, I am a writer so I do know how to use words best, but I think some things you just can't put in words, there are no words to describe this intense feeling....if there are words, they would just don't be enough so I wont try to find some....<br />
I love him so much, I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't know how and if a couple can go through such extreme times BUT I do know what I feel for him and how he makes me feel......<br />
<br />
<br />
Sitting here and listening to music, I even sing some of them.......<br />
It's one of 2 CD's I made for US in our first year.......and the first of these 2 CD's is even more special as it is the CD I want to listen to on our wedding day........I guess I never told him that....and well hearing these songs(we sent them to each other in the beginning) goes straight to my heart.<br />
Very emotional.<br />
<br />
I will try to get some sleep but this maybe wont let me sleep.......<br />
<br />
<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2922723207435688344.post-69252319728238638652014-09-04T22:24:00.001+02:002014-12-17T19:55:22.511+01:00Being accused of something you didn't doIt's been a while since my last post, but tonight I have to write something down.<br />
<br />
It wasn't a good day at all, I wont go into details but yes there was a fight with my fiancee....<br />
I feel awful, it's like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it into a dustbin...<br />
So if there is someone who wants to know how a real heartbreak feels, come on and ask me.<br />
<br />
Well anyway.......<br />
<br />
Now to what the title of this post says.<br />
<br />
I guess many of you know how it feels when u are accused of something you didn't do or say.<br />
It happened to me many times before and now again.<br />
I am in a relationship with a man who has three kids, he puts them first and me second.<br />
I had a big problem with that in the beginning as it did hurt, especially because he said some things like.<br />
"In a perfect world I would be ONLY with my kids" or "Kids are forever, women not"<br />
<br />
Now to what happened today.<br />
I posted a status on Facebook from a page that is about marriage.<br />
It said that in a marriage there is no space for a child, father, mother, brother, friend etc.<br />
2 is a marriage 3 is a crowd.<br />
Well I can honestly say what I wanted to say with it when I posted it.<br />
And I don't think they meant it the way my fiancee thinks.<br />
I liked and shared this status because I agree, in the actual marriage there is no space for others, as everything that happens in the marriage and between the two partners is their thing and only theirs, that's not anyone elses business, not even that of the kids.<br />
I mean we all know some even use kids to put the other one under pressure etc.<br />
He thinks I am jealous of his kids, and that I want him to decide between me and them, which I don't want.<br />
Of course he had to add that he would choose them but I knew that, and I accepted that a while ago.<br />
He commented under the status saying that he KNOWS spouses are not always forever but kids are, which is even right in a way but hearing him saying that again, and how he means it, did hurt ( I guess no woman or man wants to feel average and just like one of many women or men who come and go, especially not when the plan is to marry in 9 months)<br />
Anyway I answered he should then overthink if he even should marry a second time with such an attitude and then well then he did it.<br />
He said maybe that's true cos my attitude sucks.<br />
He told me he wont have contact with me as he is angry at me and furious. If I keep on bringing that up when I know his kids are the core of his soul, there is nothing he has to say to me.<br />
Yep there it is a classic one, I was being accused of bringing something up or better said in this case complaining about something again, and not for the first time.<br />
The thing is as I wrote here, I didn't mean to make him feel that's what I wanted to say with that status but he didn't listen.<br />
He accuses me often of doing the same bullshit over and over again when I don't, like in this case.<br />
But u can't do anything, u are being accused and u have to listen and let the person attack you and all u can think is "WTF did happen?" I tried to defend myself and explain myself but he didn't listen, thats often the problem, the person who accuses u of things has this opinion and no matter if it's right or wrong, no matter if u really did or said what the person accuses u of u can't change their mind.<br />
<br />
So I had to read a lot of these things, and now I am still shocked cos things were fine lately........<br />
Probably he knows that now I will come to my own conclusions and think what could be the reason for this.........<br />
Maybe we had too much contact? And yes it feels like he desperately searches for a reason to have a big fight with me, cos even before this he turned my messages who were all positive into negative stuff and me being ignorant.<br />
So yes, I feel horrible but I know for a fact I didn't do what he accuses me off and I know for a fact that I didn't behave wrong.....but that doesn't really help........<br />
<br />
I love him so much, that this hurts more than anything could ever hurt me........<br />
There were many fights between us in the past and I know a relationship will never be without them, but not like this......I really thought something like this will never happen again but it did, and then he wonders why it's so hard to trust him and believe that things he says are true and will happen.<br />
But I did again and now? Again my heart is shattered........I don't know what will happen next but I know if he ever reads this post he will be even angrier cos he will think I want to play the victim and it has to be all about me........How wrong he is he will never see I guess.....But well if he doesn't know me and my feelings, especially with such important things, by now he will never know or doesn't want to know them because he rather thinks I am an arrogant, selfish woman whose only purpose in life is to make him feel bad.......<br />
<br />Rain&Sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16540455805321645449noreply@blogger.com0