A Confession

Maybe some of you remember that I was standing between two men. I really thought that. I even wrote in a post I fell for that new guy.. I was truly thinking that....now 5 months after our last talk I know I didn't. It was just an affair, not even a good one.... It is hard to talk about it, but as this is my personal Blog I am just gonna write it down. In the first days we talked much and it was all nice and we laughed much, and then we met in person... YES I had Sex with that guy... I remember the first time with him....He kissed and touched me and I forced myself to push every single thought of my Ex aside. So I kissed him back and then well I don't need to get into detail.....BUT while he had Sex with me..all I could think of was my Ex..and how it felt with him.and that it didn't feel right at all with that new guy.....It even hurt..... Afterwards I cried, pulled my blanket up to my nose and turned my back on him.... I regretted what I had done and I felt like I would have cheated on my Ex...... The problem is I only met that guy and had an affair with him to get over my Ex, because I just knew I had to forget about him, he had made it very clear that he didn't love me anymore...maybe he never did... I wanted to be strong and move on, after months of crying on a daily basis....and some other not so healthy stuff I did. So that guy and I met again, in total we spent about 6 days together, from February to March, in total he had Sex with me three times. Every time it hurt......he didn't ask me if I was okay, or if he hurt me......like my Ex did...Well I don't even want to call him Ex..weird me. Anyway, one night...well really hard for me to write it down.....I have a little background story when it comes to sexual abuse....so maybe that's why I was so sad and hurt afterwards, mentally and physically.....I didn't even tell my mother about that one night. He knew that I didn't want to do certain sexual things.....But that night he did it to me anyway.....and I was just closing my eyes, trying to think of something else and let him do it......Afterwards when he had a shower I shed a few tears and tried to sleep. That wasn't all, not only the Sex was never satisfying for me, also he lied to me, played me and even got money from me..... In May, when he was already with another woman, engaged etc. he still messaged me and wanted to sext(sending each other sexual messages) with me..I did it a few times but then finally was strong enough to block him. I had a few hard weeks, I was confused and hurt and disappointed and I hated myself for what I did. Now since 2 weeks, what I pushed away is coming back to me.......Overwhelming me....the pain of losing my Ex, the Man I still love.....I was hoping the pain would have gone away by now, but nope it is even more intense than before.....I can't reach him anymore....I know I have lost him forever and somehow my heart and my mind can't deal with it......All the things he did, the bad things, the things that should make me feel glad that I am without him......The only thing that's in my mind is the good time and how much I loved him, and how safe I felt with him, how much I want to hug him one last time....And I keep on asking and blaming myself.....What If I wouldn't have had that affair with that guy...,maybe I wouldnt have lost him...But when I am honest and every other person would tell me the same.....I had lost him before....maybe never had him....he cheated on me....I forgave him.we planned a future and he kept on postponing it.but i still believed him and in the end? This January he told me he can never come back due to his back......I didn't believe him......I just knew he was just done with me, bored...He hadn't have told me since months that he loves me.....and that was the end for me......I know now he lied to me in more than one thing....Still living with his friends who allegedly have kicked him out and caused him to have no money to be unable to come back (before that with the back happened),and they are not friends, it is just one single woman....So many lies......But I just have to look at a picture of him and I melt away....I would give everything to be with him for just one more week.....I wasn't prepared for this......When he flew back to Australia 2014 I didn't know it would be the last time I see him......Our weddding was planned for November 2015.....It is just so much that happened........I lost myself after I lost him...I did things I would have never done if it wouldn't have broken me to lose his love.....if there ever was love.......I am really at my worst at the moment......I want it to be over.....I have no energy, no motivation, no strength.......