When u have to apologize for buying food.........

NO I don't joke....

First I have to say I still live at home(I am 24, right now looking for a job so I can move out as things get worse here, I am still here because mental problems made me unable to work....)

So my awesome, and so generous mother let me stay here, I get food(if we have money) and my meds(at least most of them).

Okay some of you may know that I have a lot of stress with my mother and her husband especially lately.
Anyway things were better after I decided to stay home alone on the weekends while they are in the House.

Yes well till today...
My mother gave me 30 Euros on friday for food and drinks for the three days.
She allowed me to order food.
Which I did on friday(after I decided I have to eat something even though the stress with my fiancee didn't let me be very hungry), I ordered food for 28,90Euro(I spent all 30 because I planned to only order once and dont eat on the other days)
I don't have to tell you, that things are expensive no matter where u buy them especially lately we had very high raisings here in austria, but anyway....
On sunday I got hungry and really struggled with the decision but ordered again(no shops are open on Sunday here) ordered for 22,90. (I do think it's not fair that u had to order at least for 20 Euros as that has changed with that delievery service).

So yes can u imagine that? I was sooo scared of telling my parents but eventually I did.
Now my mother came home from work....
Oh yeah and the shitstorm hit me.
She got upset, yelled at me, said she has no money and that they never can buy things for themselves, can't enjoy the life etc.
I was shocked and well of course defended myself as she is the one who always says she supports me as good as she can.........BS!
Considering that they spend 300 euros a month alone for cigarettes plus a lot of money for alcohol it kinda made me upset.
Well of course it's her money as she works to earn it, but how can she dare to yell at me?
How can she dare to say she has nothing from life? They were just on 2 festivals lately.........
Then when I got upset and said that I have no idea what's her problem and I think she is unfair......she said I am only in that mood because of the stress with my fiancee.........Yeah that made me angry and I said thats BS and that I am upset because she blames me for us not having enough money........
She then yelled at me that they know what's up with me and that I want to fight with them and well simply that I am the one to blame for everything......I am used to that but yes it brought tears to my eyes and my hands were shaking.......my nerves...
But she didn't care, and he didn't either as he said nothing....
So I went to my room where I am now and had to write this post........
Just today the shaking and panic attacks stoped(that I had to deal with since a few days) and now this? Greeeeeat.........I am hungry now but wont eat anything and she can keep the money(as I bought the second meal from my birtdhay money)........

I hope I will find a job soon so I can buy what I want and I hope I will never ever have to endure times of not having enough money to buy food.....(as I often had to endure in the past and recent past)

Yes I would need my man.....but as we have stress at the moment I am all alone.....and I want to be there for him as well even though I can't understand why he feels the way he feels now and is like he is now to me.......but I love him so I want to be there for him and will be, I just think it's so typical my life, when one tornado hits me, a hurricane is not so far away...WOW that was poetic :) and I made myself smile.....never thought I would have that much strength.......still I am not strong enough I think...but who knows? maybe I will be one day :)

When a very short and simple SMS changes your day....

Well then it's either bad news or from someone special.

In my case it is from someone special....
If you read my previous post you know it's a rough time with my fiancee at the moment.
Well the SMS was from him, it simply said "Guten Morgen mein Liebchen" (yes it is german, because I live in Austria and he knows a few things in german already)
What can I say? I had to smile, just a little smile....not as big as the ones I had before this rough time started BUT a smile..and still he is the One who does that, who is able to make me smile, when I don't feel like it at all......
I don't know how I can describe what I feel, I am a writer so I do know how to use words best, but I think some things you just can't put in words, there are no words to describe this intense feeling....if there are words, they would just don't be enough so I wont try to find some....
I love him so much, I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't know how and if a couple can go through such extreme times BUT I do know what I feel for him and how he makes me feel......


Sitting here and listening to music, I even sing some of them.......
It's one of 2 CD's I made for US in our first year.......and the first of these 2 CD's is even more special as it is the CD I want to listen to on our wedding day........I guess I never told him that....and well hearing these songs(we sent them to each other in the beginning) goes straight to my heart.
Very emotional.

I will try to get some sleep but this maybe wont let me sleep.......

Being accused of something you didn't do

It's been a while since my last post, but tonight I have to write something down.

It wasn't a good day at all, I wont go into details but yes there was a fight with my fiancee....
I feel awful, it's like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it into a dustbin...
So if there is someone who wants to know how a real heartbreak feels, come on and ask me.

Well anyway.......

Now to what the title of this post says.

I guess many of you know how it feels when u are accused of something you didn't do or say.
It happened to me many times before and now again.
I am in a relationship with a man who has three kids, he puts them first and me second.
I had a big problem with that in the beginning as it did hurt, especially because he said some things like.
"In a perfect world I would be ONLY with my kids" or "Kids are forever, women not"

Now to what happened today.
I posted a status on Facebook from a page that is about marriage.
It said that in a marriage there is no space for a child, father, mother, brother, friend etc.
2 is a marriage 3 is a crowd.
Well I can honestly say what I wanted to say with it when I posted it.
And I don't think they meant it the way my fiancee thinks.
I liked and shared this status because I agree, in the actual marriage there is no space for others, as everything that happens in the marriage and between the two partners is their thing and only theirs, that's not anyone elses business, not even that of the kids.
I mean we all know some even use kids to put the other one under pressure etc.
He thinks I am jealous of his kids, and that I want him to decide between me and them, which I don't want.
Of course he had to add that he would choose them but I knew that, and I accepted that a while ago.
He commented under the status saying that he KNOWS spouses are not always forever but kids are, which is even right in a way but hearing him saying that again, and how he means it, did hurt ( I guess no woman or man wants to feel average and just like one of many women or men who come and go, especially not when the plan is to marry in 9 months)
Anyway I answered he should then overthink if he even should marry a second time with such an attitude and then well then he did it.
He said maybe that's true cos my attitude sucks.
He told me he wont have contact with me as he is angry at me and furious. If I keep on bringing that up when I know his kids are the core of his soul, there is nothing he has to say to me.
Yep there it is a classic one, I was being accused of bringing something up or better said in this case complaining about something again, and not for the first time.
The thing is as I wrote here, I didn't mean to make him feel that's what I wanted to say with that status but he didn't listen.
He accuses me often of doing the same bullshit over and over again when I don't, like in this case.
But u can't do anything, u are being accused and u have to listen and let the person attack you and all u can think is "WTF did happen?" I tried to defend myself and explain myself but he didn't listen, thats often the problem, the person who accuses u of things has this opinion and no matter if it's right or wrong, no matter if u really did or said what the person accuses u of u can't change their mind.

So I had to read a lot of these things, and now I am still shocked cos things were fine lately........
Probably he knows that now I will come to my own conclusions and think what could be the reason for this.........
Maybe we had too much contact? And yes it feels like he desperately searches for a reason to have a big fight with me, cos even before this he turned my messages who were all positive into negative stuff and me being ignorant.
So yes, I feel horrible but I know for a fact I didn't do what he accuses me off and I know for a fact that I didn't behave wrong.....but that doesn't really help........

I love him so much, that this hurts more than anything could ever hurt me........
There were many fights between us in the past and I know a relationship will never be without them, but not like this......I really thought something like this will never happen again but it did, and then he wonders why it's so hard to trust him and believe that things he says are true and will happen.
But I did again and now? Again my heart is shattered........I don't know what will happen next but I know if he ever reads this post he will be even angrier cos he will think I want to play the victim and it has to be all about me........How wrong he is he will never see I guess.....But well if he doesn't know me and my feelings, especially with such important things, by now he will never know or doesn't want to know them because he rather thinks I am an arrogant, selfish woman whose only purpose in life is to make him feel bad.......

Hero- Family of the Year (Lyrics on Screen)

Another hero in my life - Jessie Hammond

Handi-Capable: Being Handi-capable: Music: "Pandora mix" I've heard the term "Handicapped" my whole life it wasn't until I started PT ( Physical T...



It's been a while since my last post here but I want you to meet Jessie Hammond, a friend of mine and an amazing person, I hope you will all follow her blog because it is a great one, she is such a strong woman, I adore her.

Islam, Christianity.....what is the "right" faith?

Yeah I think you can have the right faith, really I think that.
BUT it's not dependant on how u call ur god, how he looks or what he did.
It's about Hope, Love, respect.
About treating others as good as you can, helping others. Not being selfish.
Not hurting others.
Not killing nor raping.
Not about punishing the ppl who have a different religion.
The right religion doesn't exist, as in every religion u have the extremists, the ones who think they are the only ones who know what to do and who think all they do is right.
Some of them even do it in gods name, but that doesn't make it right.

It is awful to hear what ppl say........this muslim saying when christians fight against muslims they need to be attacked, and killed..... all these poor people being killed becos of their religion and u jus tsit there and ask urself why is this happening? Why do ppl think they have the right to do those things and o it in the name of God, Allah etc.....I guess  I will never understand how ppl can kill others and even say the believe in god, allah etc.
God is love thats what it is all about......so instead of killing ppl who don't have the same religion shouldn't they better live their religious life and respect that others have another faith?.....there was one girl she said islam means peace and that islam is about accepting and respecting others faith...........but I can't see that happenning..its sad.......I think no matter what religion u have if u are full of anger, if u kill people and treat them like gabbage u are confusing religion with extremism......religion should bring us peace not war........

So no one has the right religion as there is no right or wrong one.
Whenver it's about killing or hurting any living creature it's Hate, and has nothing to do with religion nor faith.
So whatever u believe in. If u are muslim, christian, buddhist, hindu.I don't care as long as u respect everyone. As long as u never harm someone intentionally u will have my total respect.

I hope one day it will be possible to have ur religion and don't have to be afraid to say it out loud.......nowadays trust me it's not easy to be christian either.......u have all the haters there on the net......but I simply don't care cos I know I am a good person, I believe in god and humanity and I respect other religions.
So yeah it's important to wake up and wake up others so we all realize it should never be about killing others!

Give respect and love, NEVER let hate into your heart.as soon as hate is in there it will never leave again and everything will be controlled by it........Let love be in there instead....no matter how hard this will be do it and u will surely have a better life than if u waste ur time with hating.

Just a quick post(more will follow)

well as u maybe noticed I watched something on TV.......the first hour it was about Malala, the girl from pakistan.........she is definitely a heroine and I will make a blogpost about her......now it's about Nigeria, fight between muslims and christians......and a group of terrorists who forbid education for girls..........it's awful how the world is outside our safe four walls.......and yet it makes me see how grateful I have to be......and what's really important in life.....and that I can't understand why ppl do hurt others inetntionally...........also in our so called civilized world........I talk about ppl who kill others for an euro, who rape, torture, steal.........people who cheat on their partner, it's a free world so u can choose if u want to have a monogamous relationship or not, there is no need to cheat and hurt!.....ppl who lie, who stab ur back, who betray, who think only of themselves, who are egoistic and selfish...all this in our civilized world?..........yeah.......so tell me how shall the world change when not even the civilized under us are true, honest, loyal, caring and loving?...........