Sleepless in Vienna....again

Well first and foremost Hello to everyone who will read this.

I didn't write since a long time even though there is so much going on in my mind all the time that I could possibly easily fill pages every day.

However my mood is really kinda knocking me out at the moment but just now i had the urge to write a short post.

Yeah at 4:23 am........some might think that is weird or that I have to work or whatever.
Well let me explain (but it is weird too)
I had troubles with my sleep since I was a child.
It just gets more and more frustrating, exhausting.
It happens often especially since a few years.

I had some fine months where I was able to sleep during the night for about 7-8 hours, it was when I was happy and calm and motivated because of my relationship.
Now I am having troubles again.

So because I can't sleep I play games online or watch some stuff on Youtube.........
When I get really tired I try to sleep but it doesn't work.
So I take meds to do so.
The meds I take then are the ones my shrink gave me so I am not buying sleeping pills or such, actually because my mum doesn't allow me to do that as she says you can easily become an addict.
Anyways, I have to take certain meds on a daily basis including Pills that shall help me fall asleep and are against depression and anxiety.
I have to take 100 mg every day before I go to bed, but sadly lately it doesn't help.
Not only because I become used to it I take them since a few years) but also because my mental health seems to get worse especially now that I am having a very rough time.
So what I did a few times lately is taking another 150 mg at 2am, then I fall asleep like 20 minutes later, it totally calms me, my mind stops racing, it is a very nice feeling, the pain is gone for a while.
Did that last night and slept 12 hours during the day.
So here I am now again, not able to sleep even though I am tired.
Then just before a songtext came to my mind and I had to write it down......along with it I wrote 3 short poems, afterwards I was very exhausted and that is a new feeling, as whenever I used to write anything it didn't exhaust me, this time it did............Well I hope no one of you has those problems, wish you all a good night or a good day wherever you are.

PCOS - One of my physical conditions who make Life harder

I am a bit scared about my physical health at the moment......
Probably by now all of u know my mental conditions as I have nothing to hide, I do have some physical conditions too. one of them is the Hashimoto Syndrom, which holds a bigger risk for miscarriage.....and then i have also PCOS which holds the same risk but more........My doctor diagnosed it a year ago and she told me too take Dietary supplements, they would cost 40 euro a month so I was never able to take them and that's why I wasn't there for a second time in november....I always worry about me never being able to have a child and considering that I have this conditions my concern is sadly appropriate.
Anyway at the moment I am having biiiiiig trouble with the PCOS.......can't go to the doctor for we don't have the money for it + it wouldn't do anything for I can't afford the supplements and I am scared that it got worse.........I remember how scared I was when I first was there, I feared she would tell me something like that......Umm well im alone with this as well as with my other problems.......And I just also learned that there is a higher risk for cancer, diabetes etc...and one of the most important things is to lose weight.......I am obese and for some reason since a few years I even gain weight when I eat healthy or not much...Could also be my meds too..........But well often I don't look at what I eat......I am just upset for I have an eating disorder and when I try to lose weight and see that it doesn't work good I tend to give up...Back then when I lost 40kg I wasn't doing it very healthy.........so to speak...well bulemia says it all....and I am a person that wants too much I guess I set too high goals for myself always did that when I was in school........Always wanted to be a good student, I am a perfectionist sadly.......And the same goes for losing weight....for example if i would lose 10 kilos in 6 months I would freak ............In my eyes i have to lose 10kg at least in a month!.....shitty thing all this and I do wonder why I must have these conditions on top of my mental ones.
Yes i know many many otehrs have it worse I know that and i do care about that! But it is hwo it is for me the things I have to deal with are exhausting me, saddening me, scaring me........https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome

Many many many bad words :)

FUCK FUCK FUCK I go fucking crazy with this piece of shit that my laptop and this damn internet is!! I am so damn angry I really screamed at my laptop, I just talked to my grampa and I wont get the new laptop in the next few months at least....I am freaking in this second, cos I have to be very lucky and I am certainly not, if this laptop works one more week. I am just pissed cos that happens when u are dependant to anyone, they fucking let u fall ALWAYS! And NOOOOOOO it's not about that fucking laptop or money, I mean that in general.....good okay I admit maybe this gets to me so much as I cried my eyes out again, this is shit, the whole situation I am in is shit and I ask myself who am I kidding,
Whom do I want to convince that I am fucking ok? Others? Or myself?.....:/
I am just one stupid piece of shit.
I am just stupid, really that's not my selfhatred that's a fact!
I am so sick of this all.
YEARS of fake ppl, fake friends, fake family, emotional abuse, lies, cheating....Still I am trying it again and again I give everyone a chance and believe that some ppl really care for me.
What a stupid cunt I am. I am just stupid, I deserve all this, I deserve to be treated like shit, it's my own fault cos I just don't understand it obviously. If it would be possible I swear I would beat myself. Just a few minutes ago what did I do? Trying to sleep but couldn't of course. and then listened to music, lovesongs + sad, and had the urge to look at the things I have left from my true love, no that's not all I even put that damn Engagment necklace around my neck.....I just don't get how one person can be so retarded and I mean myself!
No wonder everyone does with me what  they want its so easy! No wonder I 'even have a job with 24, ppl say I am intelligent?
Oh yeah totally agree *sarcasm*.....................

PS: Sorry for the insults, but I guess u guyz wont be mad at me, its not like I would insult someone else ;)

The World becomes the worst place in the Universe

http://cnn.it/1tW4gOU

I have to be serious now, this shocked me big time, I almost cried and it's absolutely horrible that things like that happen, and they happen there daily.
They say things are gonna change but NOTHING changes,
How can the rest of the world ignore this huge problem?
Just because they are "only" women? Shouldn't they have the same rights?
So instead of using energy for starting wars everywhere just because some people don't respect others, people should focus on how bad the world already is and try to fix that.
It's awful to know that rape is so common there and no one seems to care!
I am so damn angry, things like that really get to me because of my personal experiences, and just seeing or hearing about things like that makes me really sad.
I am sad that I can't do anything against such cruelty, all I can do is writing about it, posting it and hope one day the world will wake up.....hopefully then it wont be too late.

Cold.....Colder......FROZEN

When I was younger and someone in a movie or in real life said their hearts are frozen I never knew what they meant, I couldn't imagine a heart being frozen.
Now that changed.

I freeze inside, it's like it would be snowing inside of me, a storm swirling the snowflakes around my shattered heart, filling the cuts slowly with snow and ice so it freezes to the core.....

I literally freeze inside, it feels like when u are sick and have ague, the only difference is that u are not sick....well not physically even though I do have physical problems as well becos of it but that's what bothers me least.
I shiver inside and I can't do anything to stop it.
It is getting colder and colder inside of me.
It hurts so damn much, like literally losing a bodypart to frostbite.....
It feels like the ice is inside my heart, right there where it feels most intense...
Like my heart becomes cracked from all the ice.....

I am so afraid of freezing......
I am alone, no one is there to keep me warm....

SUMMARY OF THE LAST 4 WEEKS of my life:

1) my granny got hit by a car, sent to hospital, put into a coma
2) their house burnt down, becos my aunt threw ash away
3) on 12th November my granny died in hospital, I was crying two days in a row for I didn't see her one last time ,and becos I blamed myself because I wasn't there for her, I should have done something, I don't know what but she deserved a better life. I''ll never forgive myself for not seeing here once again and telling her she wont be forgotten and is loved.
4) my aunt(who lived with her) had a go at me on the phone because I said I wouldn't attend the funeral(reasons were that they are hypocriticals and I was afraid that my bio father would start a fight there at the grave)
5) a week after the funeral she called me again, was aggressive and told me to stop the shit, didn't know what she meant and she said I have to stop writing about my family on the internet otherwise....so she threatened me and I know that it wasn't her who found me on FB, I bet it was my bio father and yes I am scared, not only I know what my father is capable of but also they could easily ruin everything I have built in the last months on the internet
6) we have no money, less than usual, sometimes not even enough to buy bread
7) my mum will quit her job, she can't bear it any longer physically and mentally
8) last week they were 3times at the icesaloon and pizzeria where they drank alcohol(8-10 hours),
9) In november it was planned that me and my grampa drive to salzburg for vacation, I couldn't drive with him, I decided that when I was already in the car with my bags, he was furious and wrote me a message on the next day saying I am dead for him(actually didn't bother me there are not many ppl anymore who can hurt me)
10) since july I applied for about 25 jobs and always got a NO, not good for my not existant selfconfidence
11) had a selfhurting relapse
12) in all this time there was 1 thing that made it all worse, one thing that hit me very bad, one thing that sent me right to depressionland, something that really hurt me....no contact with the one I love....since almost 4 weeks he is like this and I cried every damn day, I had to take more meds, I feel so alone, hurt sad and yes I fear it is over...I know things can come to an end but not in such a way...so through all this shit lately I had to go alone...well I am used to that but I thought I never ever have to deal with things like that alone, he promised.....this one thing is stabbing my heart and pulling my soul out of my body......Tomorrow and wednesday I have two meetings and I have no damn idea where to get the strength from as my depression is so bad at the moment that I don't shower, comb my hair etc more often than once a week.....I hate it I can only lie in bed, cry or distract myself with laughing with my parents when they are home.......and always my thoughts are with him....Why? Sometimes I think I am just stupid and that's what I deserve, maybe I am the one to blame at least for that last thing cos deep inside I always feared that we wouldn't make it.....I just didn't want to see it, I still don't want it to end.....I hate myself for still loving him.........

FROZEN - my favorite Disney Movie.......and I love ELSA and this song!!!