Many many many bad words :)

FUCK FUCK FUCK I go fucking crazy with this piece of shit that my laptop and this damn internet is!! I am so damn angry I really screamed at my laptop, I just talked to my grampa and I wont get the new laptop in the next few months at least....I am freaking in this second, cos I have to be very lucky and I am certainly not, if this laptop works one more week. I am just pissed cos that happens when u are dependant to anyone, they fucking let u fall ALWAYS! And NOOOOOOO it's not about that fucking laptop or money, I mean that in general.....good okay I admit maybe this gets to me so much as I cried my eyes out again, this is shit, the whole situation I am in is shit and I ask myself who am I kidding,
Whom do I want to convince that I am fucking ok? Others? Or myself?.....:/
I am just one stupid piece of shit.
I am just stupid, really that's not my selfhatred that's a fact!
I am so sick of this all.
YEARS of fake ppl, fake friends, fake family, emotional abuse, lies, cheating....Still I am trying it again and again I give everyone a chance and believe that some ppl really care for me.
What a stupid cunt I am. I am just stupid, I deserve all this, I deserve to be treated like shit, it's my own fault cos I just don't understand it obviously. If it would be possible I swear I would beat myself. Just a few minutes ago what did I do? Trying to sleep but couldn't of course. and then listened to music, lovesongs + sad, and had the urge to look at the things I have left from my true love, no that's not all I even put that damn Engagment necklace around my neck.....I just don't get how one person can be so retarded and I mean myself!
No wonder everyone does with me what  they want its so easy! No wonder I 'even have a job with 24, ppl say I am intelligent?
Oh yeah totally agree *sarcasm*.....................

PS: Sorry for the insults, but I guess u guyz wont be mad at me, its not like I would insult someone else ;)

The World becomes the worst place in the Universe

http://cnn.it/1tW4gOU

I have to be serious now, this shocked me big time, I almost cried and it's absolutely horrible that things like that happen, and they happen there daily.
They say things are gonna change but NOTHING changes,
How can the rest of the world ignore this huge problem?
Just because they are "only" women? Shouldn't they have the same rights?
So instead of using energy for starting wars everywhere just because some people don't respect others, people should focus on how bad the world already is and try to fix that.
It's awful to know that rape is so common there and no one seems to care!
I am so damn angry, things like that really get to me because of my personal experiences, and just seeing or hearing about things like that makes me really sad.
I am sad that I can't do anything against such cruelty, all I can do is writing about it, posting it and hope one day the world will wake up.....hopefully then it wont be too late.

Cold.....Colder......FROZEN

When I was younger and someone in a movie or in real life said their hearts are frozen I never knew what they meant, I couldn't imagine a heart being frozen.
Now that changed.

I freeze inside, it's like it would be snowing inside of me, a storm swirling the snowflakes around my shattered heart, filling the cuts slowly with snow and ice so it freezes to the core.....

I literally freeze inside, it feels like when u are sick and have ague, the only difference is that u are not sick....well not physically even though I do have physical problems as well becos of it but that's what bothers me least.
I shiver inside and I can't do anything to stop it.
It is getting colder and colder inside of me.
It hurts so damn much, like literally losing a bodypart to frostbite.....
It feels like the ice is inside my heart, right there where it feels most intense...
Like my heart becomes cracked from all the ice.....

I am so afraid of freezing......
I am alone, no one is there to keep me warm....

SUMMARY OF THE LAST 4 WEEKS of my life:

1) my granny got hit by a car, sent to hospital, put into a coma
2) their house burnt down, becos my aunt threw ash away
3) on 12th November my granny died in hospital, I was crying two days in a row for I didn't see her one last time ,and becos I blamed myself because I wasn't there for her, I should have done something, I don't know what but she deserved a better life. I''ll never forgive myself for not seeing here once again and telling her she wont be forgotten and is loved.
4) my aunt(who lived with her) had a go at me on the phone because I said I wouldn't attend the funeral(reasons were that they are hypocriticals and I was afraid that my bio father would start a fight there at the grave)
5) a week after the funeral she called me again, was aggressive and told me to stop the shit, didn't know what she meant and she said I have to stop writing about my family on the internet otherwise....so she threatened me and I know that it wasn't her who found me on FB, I bet it was my bio father and yes I am scared, not only I know what my father is capable of but also they could easily ruin everything I have built in the last months on the internet
6) we have no money, less than usual, sometimes not even enough to buy bread
7) my mum will quit her job, she can't bear it any longer physically and mentally
8) last week they were 3times at the icesaloon and pizzeria where they drank alcohol(8-10 hours),
9) In november it was planned that me and my grampa drive to salzburg for vacation, I couldn't drive with him, I decided that when I was already in the car with my bags, he was furious and wrote me a message on the next day saying I am dead for him(actually didn't bother me there are not many ppl anymore who can hurt me)
10) since july I applied for about 25 jobs and always got a NO, not good for my not existant selfconfidence
11) had a selfhurting relapse
12) in all this time there was 1 thing that made it all worse, one thing that hit me very bad, one thing that sent me right to depressionland, something that really hurt me....no contact with the one I love....since almost 4 weeks he is like this and I cried every damn day, I had to take more meds, I feel so alone, hurt sad and yes I fear it is over...I know things can come to an end but not in such a way...so through all this shit lately I had to go alone...well I am used to that but I thought I never ever have to deal with things like that alone, he promised.....this one thing is stabbing my heart and pulling my soul out of my body......Tomorrow and wednesday I have two meetings and I have no damn idea where to get the strength from as my depression is so bad at the moment that I don't shower, comb my hair etc more often than once a week.....I hate it I can only lie in bed, cry or distract myself with laughing with my parents when they are home.......and always my thoughts are with him....Why? Sometimes I think I am just stupid and that's what I deserve, maybe I am the one to blame at least for that last thing cos deep inside I always feared that we wouldn't make it.....I just didn't want to see it, I still don't want it to end.....I hate myself for still loving him.........

FROZEN - my favorite Disney Movie.......and I love ELSA and this song!!!

Somebody to lean on?

Some of u may read that my dad has a thrombosis, thank god he will be okay.
Well just a few days after that diagnosis my aunt called me...my granny had a bad car accident, she is 81, was sent to hospital, now she is on the intensive care unit, her leg is broken and she has a cerebral hemorrhage, they had to put her into a coma.........She also has cancer since years.....
Well I do think she wont survive that long and I was in shock, I cried.
I didn't have that much contact with her in the last years but I can honestly say I am the only one in this family who honestly cares, but thats another story....
No one showed compassion for me, that made it worse.....I felt alone.again.
So here I am, having the flu, being sad becos of my granny and well just in general.......
I really could use a hug, a nice word, warmth and someone who holds me..
Don't we need that all?
A person, only one person where we can let our walls come down and be weak?
To whom we can go when we are certain that we can't fight any longer?
Someone who is there for us in our darkest hours?
Yeah well if u are religious u have ur faith, I have my faith as well but that's not what I mean, I mean a human being.......
I wish that person could be my fiancee, I love him so much, we will probably marry next year..........but he can't be there like this for me..I know it's not his fault as he has conditions and problems on his own.but the only person I can think of daily and especially when I am sad is him, I want him to hug me, kiss me on the forehead, hold me, well simply be there for me as I am and always will be for him as good as I can and when he let me......:( I know that only he could make me feel content, save and happy..........And it breaks my heart to know he can't be there for me like this anymore......it's not fair.........
And I have no idea how to deal with that fact...it is so hard and I know it's not good for me, neither mentally nor physically when I need to hold back my thoughts and feelings........it's a shitty thing......but I have to do so.........
He was the one who made me believe in myself and my dreams, he made me go out in public again, he gave me so much strength....
Only becos of him I got my will to live back...and my faith that there is a future for me......he once said I would never ever be alone again..he would always be there for me to protect and support me.....and now he can't........
It hurts so much especially becos I know if he reads this he will be upset, disappointed and angry at me......I do everything I can to be the best fiancee, I love him, I care for him I am there for him but he never sees it.......I wish we both wouldn't have our baggage.......I wish we would be "normal" ........

Disney Frozen on Ice Skating Highlights From Debut Show - Let it Go Anna...