So great to have you here, hope u enjoy what u read and like it as well. If so of course it would be nice if u share, like and just tell everyone about me :)

Mittwoch, 17. Dezember 2014

The World becomes the worst place in the Universe


I have to be serious now, this shocked me big time, I almost cried and it's absolutely horrible that things like that happen, and they happen there daily.
They say things are gonna change but NOTHING changes,
How can the rest of the world ignore this huge problem?
Just because they are "only" women? Shouldn't they have the same rights?
So instead of using energy for starting wars everywhere just because some people don't respect others, people should focus on how bad the world already is and try to fix that.
It's awful to know that rape is so common there and no one seems to care!
I am so damn angry, things like that really get to me because of my personal experiences, and just seeing or hearing about things like that makes me really sad.
I am sad that I can't do anything against such cruelty, all I can do is writing about it, posting it and hope one day the world will wake up.....hopefully then it wont be too late.

Sonntag, 14. Dezember 2014


When I was younger and someone in a movie or in real life said their hearts are frozen I never knew what they meant, I couldn't imagine a heart being frozen.
Now that changed.

I freeze inside, it's like it would be snowing inside of me, a storm swirling the snowflakes around my shattered heart, filling the cuts slowly with snow and ice so it freezes to the core.....

I literally freeze inside, it feels like when u are sick and have ague, the only difference is that u are not sick....well not physically even though I do have physical problems as well becos of it but that's what bothers me least.
I shiver inside and I can't do anything to stop it.
It is getting colder and colder inside of me.
It hurts so damn much, like literally losing a bodypart to frostbite.....
It feels like the ice is inside my heart, right there where it feels most intense...
Like my heart becomes cracked from all the ice.....

I am so afraid of freezing......
I am alone, no one is there to keep me warm....

Montag, 8. Dezember 2014


1) my granny got hit by a car, sent to hospital, put into a coma
2) their house burnt down, becos my aunt threw ash away
3) on 12th November my granny died in hospital, I was crying two days in a row for I didn't see her one last time ,and becos I blamed myself because I wasn't there for her, I should have done something, I don't know what but she deserved a better life. I''ll never forgive myself for not seeing here once again and telling her she wont be forgotten and is loved.
4) my aunt(who lived with her) had a go at me on the phone because I said I wouldn't attend the funeral(reasons were that they are hypocriticals and I was afraid that my bio father would start a fight there at the grave)
5) a week after the funeral she called me again, was aggressive and told me to stop the shit, didn't know what she meant and she said I have to stop writing about my family on the internet otherwise....so she threatened me and I know that it wasn't her who found me on FB, I bet it was my bio father and yes I am scared, not only I know what my father is capable of but also they could easily ruin everything I have built in the last months on the internet
6) we have no money, less than usual, sometimes not even enough to buy bread
7) my mum will quit her job, she can't bear it any longer physically and mentally
8) last week they were 3times at the icesaloon and pizzeria where they drank alcohol(8-10 hours),
9) In november it was planned that me and my grampa drive to salzburg for vacation, I couldn't drive with him, I decided that when I was already in the car with my bags, he was furious and wrote me a message on the next day saying I am dead for him(actually didn't bother me there are not many ppl anymore who can hurt me)
10) since july I applied for about 25 jobs and always got a NO, not good for my not existant selfconfidence
11) had a selfhurting relapse
12) in all this time there was 1 thing that made it all worse, one thing that hit me very bad, one thing that sent me right to depressionland, something that really hurt me....no contact with the one I love....since almost 4 weeks he is like this and I cried every damn day, I had to take more meds, I feel so alone, hurt sad and yes I fear it is over...I know things can come to an end but not in such a way...so through all this shit lately I had to go alone...well I am used to that but I thought I never ever have to deal with things like that alone, he promised.....this one thing is stabbing my heart and pulling my soul out of my body......Tomorrow and wednesday I have two meetings and I have no damn idea where to get the strength from as my depression is so bad at the moment that I don't shower, comb my hair etc more often than once a week.....I hate it I can only lie in bed, cry or distract myself with laughing with my parents when they are home.......and always my thoughts are with him....Why? Sometimes I think I am just stupid and that's what I deserve, maybe I am the one to blame at least for that last thing cos deep inside I always feared that we wouldn't make it.....I just didn't want to see it, I still don't want it to end.....I hate myself for still loving him.........