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Mittwoch, 7. September 2016

A Confession

Maybe some of u remember that I was standing between two men. I really thought that. I even wrote in a post I fell for that new guy.. I was truly thinking that....now 5 months after our last talk I know I didn't. It was just an affair, not even a good one.... It is hard to talk about it, but as this is my personal Blog I am just gonna write it down. In the first days we talked much and it was all nice and we laughed much, and then we met in person... YES I had Sex with that guy... I remember the first time with him....He kissed and touched me and I forced myself to push every single thought of my Ex aside. So I kissed him back and then well I dont need to get into detail.....BUT while he had Sex with me..all I could think of was my Ex..and how it felt with him.and that it didn't feel right at all with that new guy.....It even hurt..... Afterwards I cried, pulled my blanket up to my nose and turned my back on him.... I regretted what I had done and I felt like I would have cheated on my Ex...... The problem is I only met that guy and had an affair with him to get over my Ex, as I just knew I had to forget about him, he had made it very clear that he didn't love me anymore...maybe he never did... I wanted to be strong and move on, after months of crying on a daily basis....and some other not so healthy stuff I did. So that guy and I met again, in total we spent about 6 days together, from February to March, in total he had Sex with me three times. Every time it hurt......he didn't ask me if I was okay, or if he hurt me......like my Ex did...Well I don't even want to call him Ex..weird me. Anyway one night...well really hard for me to write it down.....I have a lil' background story when it comes to sexual abuse....so maybe that's why I was so sad and hurt afterwards, mentally and physically.....I didn't even tell my mother about that one night. He knew that I didn't want to do certain sexual things.....But that night he did it to me anyway.....and I was just closing my eyes, trying to think of something else and let him do it......Afterwards when he had a shower I shed a few tears and tried to sleep. That wasn't all, not only the Sex was never satisfying for me, also he lied to me, played me and even got money from me..... In May, when he was already with another woman, engaged etc. he still messaged me and wanted to sext with me..I did it a few times but then finally was strong enough to block him. I had a few hard weeks, I was confused and hurt and disappointed and I hated myself for what I did. Now since 2 weeks, what I pushed away is coming back to me.......Overwhelming me....the pain of losing my Ex, the Man I love still.....I was hoping the pain would have gone away by now, but nope it is even more intense than before.....I can't reach him anymore....I know I have lost him forever and somehow my heart and my mind can't deal with it......All the things he did, the bad things, the things that should make me feel glad that I am without him......The only thing that's in my mind is the good time and how much I loved him, and how safe I felt with him, how much I want to hug him one last time....And I keep on asking and blaming myself.....What If I wouldn't have had that affair with that guy...,maybe I wouldnt have lost him...But when I am honest and every other person would tell me the same.....I had lost him before....maybe never had him....he cheated on me....I forgave him.we planned a future and he kept on postponing it.but i still believed him and in the end? This January he told me he can never come back due to his back......I didn't believe him......I just knew he was just done with me, bored...He hadn't have told me since months that he loves me.....and that was the end for me......I know now he lied to me in more than one thing....Still living with his friends who allegedly have kicked him out and caused him to have no money to be unable to come back (before that with the back happened),and they are not friends, it is just one single woman....So many lies......But I just have to look at a picture of him and I melt away....I would give everything to be with him for just one more week.....I wasn't prepared for this......When he flew back to Australia 2014 I didn't know it would be the last time I see him......Our weddding was planned for November 2015.....It is just so much that happened........I lost myself after I lost him...I did things I would have never done if it wouldn't have broken me to lose his love.....if there ever was love.......I am really at my worst at the moment......I want it to be over.....I have no energy, no motivation, no strength.......

Dienstag, 22. März 2016

Oops I did it again....

Yes, I did it again, again unintentionally but that doesn't make it any less of a problem.
Remember when I worte that post about standing between two men?
Well that is over...
Ironically there is no one now....
How can I explain that?
Well I better start with the last time I met that Austrian Guy.
It was on 3rd March 2016, we had fun, much fun, also adult fun.
I felt very comfortable and he invited me to stay overnight, I did, though it wasn't planned.
Well on the next day I met my sister for the first time since 3 years.
Later that day the Guy and me talked on the phone, we fought.....
Few days later we fought again as he couldn't understand why I was still hurt about what he said on Friday......
Could have easily explained it to him but didn't as we just made the Deal that we are just friends with benefits..again.
We didn't meet since then and I think we never will again....
Do I need to mention that I am sad about that?
Anyway last Tuesday, 15th March, he told me out of nowhere that he has a relationship since 13th March, that he loves her..........
I was truly shocked, I mean all the days before he said to me he doesn't want a relationship neither with me nor with any other woman and then he tells me that?
I cried, I ws hurt and really, really shocked.......
On the same day him and me did some dirty talk on the phone.........yeah believe me I hate myself for that...
i asked him if he doesn't think that it is cheating...for me it would be..he said no only if we would have sex.........
The next day we texted........
Then on friday he invited me for making out on saturday.....and me stupid girl was looking forward to.
I waited the whole saturday for a message, when I gave up on waiting and just sent him a text to know if we would meet or not, only a simple "No" came back.......
Well and yesterday, Monday, all was too much for me and I just wanted to have everything clarified.
He blocked me on FB(he said he didn't but yeah) and my number on his phone, both I coudln't understand for I did nothing to him.......And I am surely not one of those women who do telephoneterror and such.
Anyway I reached him when I used my dads phone......We talked a few minutes before he angrily hung up......
Later we wrote on FB.........I also asked him a question I had since he told me he has a girlfriend ...I shouldn't have asked it as the answer hurt.even though I knew the answer deep inside.
He said yes he loves her, that they will even go on a holiday and that she will move to him.......
Oh yes I was shocked...........and again sad.BUT this time I did pretty good.....I was crying yes but didn't show any of these emotions in my writing.
Well here is the result of our talk.......some sexting........he said he likes me too, but not enough for a relationship......and that we could be friends.......
Yeah Jackpot right?
I didn't mention so far that he said after our first night that he fell for me......and that 2 weeks later he gave me a loveletter......signed with "In neverending love".......
Back then it didn't mean much to me as I was way too much involved with my feelings for my ex..now though its fucking me up...........I always think "Why did he say such things?"
Well I do know what he doesn't like about me sch as my look, how I dress, my overweight etc.
And thus I shouldn't care that we will never be more than friends......
Yeah I shouldn't but It wouldn't be my life if everything would go as it is supposed to........
What I only told him in some was but not really said.....is that I fell for him........
I know it since 4th March....I decided not to tell him, as he wanted no relationship and we were at that time only friends with benefits.......
I will still not tell him, how could I? Now that I know im just a bro...........
Brokenhearted again............I am obviously cursed.with falling for the wrong men........
Stupid heart.........
I wish our affair would have lasted longer as it was really good to just forget about my broken heart, my lost love, and other trouble...........
Now I'm back to sleepless and overthinking.....


Montag, 7. März 2016

My LAST Fight!

I have been through a lot in my life.......Soon I am going to be 26 and no I didn't reach any of my goals, I didn't achieve anything.
I have given up on myself totally twice in my life........
First time was back in 2009, it took me three years to find a bit strength to get back up, the next years I grew stronger also thanks to my now ex, who, despite of all the damage he caused to my heart, helped me a lot.
Then just in January this year, after we had almost no contact for a year, he finally told me he wont come back......He allegedly can't.
I don't believe that, because if it would be true that he still wants and loves me, why doesn't he write nor call me?
Anyway this shall not be about my previous, at the same time first, relationship.
So after he told me that I fell again, in an even deeper and darker abyss than 2009.
I didn't want to live anymore, I thought about suicide very often, also about cutting but only once cut.
I lost all my strength in the blink of an eye, which made it even worse for I thought the strength I had I only had with him and that I should feel ashamed for being so weak.
Then just on 4th February I met a guy online on FB, he, different than to my ex who lives in Australia, lives in Vienna/Austria just like me.......We talked on the phone every day till the 8th when we first met in real life.
Since then, and yes I know its not that long, he often hurt me with things he said about me, my looks, my opinions.
Now since 3 days we didn't talk on the phone...
Oh yes did I mention we are supposedto be friends with benefits?.....Yeah can you imagine me doing that?
Nope me neither.........
I was never a person who has no emotions, I am very emotional and sensitive but sometimes we agree to things just to not lose someone...
Anyway I just realize now, that he is no different than all the others who hurt me in my life....
I am still alone and I kinda lost hope it will ever change...
BUT there is 1 thing, better said 2 people in my life that I love and for whom I want to be there for as long as I can, for as long as God lets me be alive.
Just recently the entered my life again, back in November.
It is my sister and my brother I am talking about.
This is going to be my last fight, I will do what I can to gain strength, just not sure how to do that, but I will eventually find a way.
I just recently met my sister after 3 years she is 14 now, and has some mental issues herself, she and my brother live in a foster family since almost 13 years........
I love her and I can truly say she is my soulmate. I also love my brother.
I will always be there for them. I made that promise to my sister and I am determined to keep that promise.
I will somehow find a way to gain at least enough strength to not totally give up on me, I have to move on, I have to be there for them.
This is gonna be my last fight.......
Seriously, and it is going to be the hardest because I lost all I ever had and ever loved......

Dienstag, 9. Februar 2016

Two Men = One too much


Who would have ever thought that this could happen to me?
Well I didn't even think that there was a tiny little chance for me to ever get into such a situation, but now I am here.
Standing between two men, not knowing what to do.
Insecure about my feelings.
One man is the one I loved more than my life (I don't even know if I should say loveD or love)
That man was my first true love, my first man in so many ways.
I loved him for such a long time and I still have feelings for him, I just don't know what kind of.
Do I still love him? Or is it just the memories I have with him? Do I love him still or do I love how we used to be?
One man is the one I met just a week ago online, and met in real life just yesterday.....
That man is really nice and I like talking with him, He makes me laugh.
He is the one who made me "forget" about the other one for a whole day, which didn't happen since I met the other 3 years ago.
What exactly do I feel for him? I don't know, now that I know how it feels when I truly love someone, I have to admit I don't love him that way, not yet.....
But saying I don't care for him would be a lie. Saying he is just a friend would be a lie.
And I don't wanna lie to anyone and I don't wanna ever lie again to myself.
What shall I do? I don't know.
The man I was with for 3 years is obviously not loving me anymore, if he ever did......
We went through so much together, so many bad times, yet so many good times and not to forget about the times it was perfect.
I felt safe in his arms, I felt like finally having someone to trust, someone to fight for me and with me for a good future.
We were engaged, our wedding should have been in November last year.....
So it is probably too soon to fall in love again.
Especially because neither of us ended it yet.....
He was just no longer responding to Messages and Calls, he does comment under some pictures online even using a nickname for me just a few days ago, which made me smile.
So the question of the questions is: What if HE, the one I fell in love with 3 years ago, would call me or write me that he still loves me, that he wants to be with me? Would I let the other man down and go back to him or would I tell him I found someone new?
I always thought such a question is easy to answer....well it is not!
Standing between two men, not knowing what to feel, not knowing whom to trust and believe........
I was betrayed by my first man and even if I would fall for the second one, how could I ever trust in Love again?............

Sonntag, 10. Januar 2016

How BULLYING affects my life

Dont wonder this is a remake, I am not 22 anymore...........for any questions just contact me.....
Believe me it was still so damn hard to make this video, the memories come back and the pain and fear...........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YatVuluG1zQ