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Dienstag, 22. März 2016

Oops I did it again....

Yes, I did it again, again unintentionally but that doesn't make it any less of a problem.
Remember when I worte that post about standing between two men?
Well that is over...
Ironically there is no one now....
How can I explain that?
Well I better start with the last time I met that Austrian Guy.
It was on 3rd March 2016, we had fun, much fun, also adult fun.
I felt very comfortable and he invited me to stay overnight, I did, though it wasn't planned.
Well on the next day I met my sister for the first time since 3 years.
Later that day the Guy and me talked on the phone, we fought.....
Few days later we fought again as he couldn't understand why I was still hurt about what he said on Friday......
Could have easily explained it to him but didn't as we just made the Deal that we are just friends with benefits..again.
We didn't meet since then and I think we never will again....
Do I need to mention that I am sad about that?
Anyway last Tuesday, 15th March, he told me out of nowhere that he has a relationship since 13th March, that he loves her..........
I was truly shocked, I mean all the days before he said to me he doesn't want a relationship neither with me nor with any other woman and then he tells me that?
I cried, I ws hurt and really, really shocked.......
On the same day him and me did some dirty talk on the phone.........yeah believe me I hate myself for that...
i asked him if he doesn't think that it is cheating...for me it would be..he said no only if we would have sex.........
The next day we texted........
Then on friday he invited me for making out on saturday.....and me stupid girl was looking forward to.
I waited the whole saturday for a message, when I gave up on waiting and just sent him a text to know if we would meet or not, only a simple "No" came back.......
Well and yesterday, Monday, all was too much for me and I just wanted to have everything clarified.
He blocked me on FB(he said he didn't but yeah) and my number on his phone, both I coudln't understand for I did nothing to him.......And I am surely not one of those women who do telephoneterror and such.
Anyway I reached him when I used my dads phone......We talked a few minutes before he angrily hung up......
Later we wrote on FB.........I also asked him a question I had since he told me he has a girlfriend ...I shouldn't have asked it as the answer hurt.even though I knew the answer deep inside.
He said yes he loves her, that they will even go on a holiday and that she will move to him.......
Oh yes I was shocked...........and again sad.BUT this time I did pretty good.....I was crying yes but didn't show any of these emotions in my writing.
Well here is the result of our talk.......some sexting........he said he likes me too, but not enough for a relationship......and that we could be friends.......
Yeah Jackpot right?
I didn't mention so far that he said after our first night that he fell for me......and that 2 weeks later he gave me a loveletter......signed with "In neverending love".......
Back then it didn't mean much to me as I was way too much involved with my feelings for my ex..now though its fucking me up...........I always think "Why did he say such things?"
Well I do know what he doesn't like about me sch as my look, how I dress, my overweight etc.
And thus I shouldn't care that we will never be more than friends......
Yeah I shouldn't but It wouldn't be my life if everything would go as it is supposed to........
What I only told him in some was but not really said.....is that I fell for him........
I know it since 4th March....I decided not to tell him, as he wanted no relationship and we were at that time only friends with benefits.......
I will still not tell him, how could I? Now that I know im just a bro...........
Brokenhearted again............I am obviously cursed.with falling for the wrong men........
Stupid heart.........
I wish our affair would have lasted longer as it was really good to just forget about my broken heart, my lost love, and other trouble...........
Now I'm back to sleepless and overthinking.....


Montag, 7. März 2016

My LAST Fight!

I have been through a lot in my life.......Soon I am going to be 26 and no I didn't reach any of my goals, I didn't achieve anything.
I have given up on myself totally twice in my life........
First time was back in 2009, it took me three years to find a bit strength to get back up, the next years I grew stronger also thanks to my now ex, who, despite of all the damage he caused to my heart, helped me a lot.
Then just in January this year, after we had almost no contact for a year, he finally told me he wont come back......He allegedly can't.
I don't believe that, because if it would be true that he still wants and loves me, why doesn't he write nor call me?
Anyway this shall not be about my previous, at the same time first, relationship.
So after he told me that I fell again, in an even deeper and darker abyss than 2009.
I didn't want to live anymore, I thought about suicide very often, also about cutting but only once cut.
I lost all my strength in the blink of an eye, which made it even worse for I thought the strength I had I only had with him and that I should feel ashamed for being so weak.
Then just on 4th February I met a guy online on FB, he, different than to my ex who lives in Australia, lives in Vienna/Austria just like me.......We talked on the phone every day till the 8th when we first met in real life.
Since then, and yes I know its not that long, he often hurt me with things he said about me, my looks, my opinions.
Now since 3 days we didn't talk on the phone...
Oh yes did I mention we are supposedto be friends with benefits?.....Yeah can you imagine me doing that?
Nope me neither.........
I was never a person who has no emotions, I am very emotional and sensitive but sometimes we agree to things just to not lose someone...
Anyway I just realize now, that he is no different than all the others who hurt me in my life....
I am still alone and I kinda lost hope it will ever change...
BUT there is 1 thing, better said 2 people in my life that I love and for whom I want to be there for as long as I can, for as long as God lets me be alive.
Just recently the entered my life again, back in November.
It is my sister and my brother I am talking about.
This is going to be my last fight, I will do what I can to gain strength, just not sure how to do that, but I will eventually find a way.
I just recently met my sister after 3 years she is 14 now, and has some mental issues herself, she and my brother live in a foster family since almost 13 years........
I love her and I can truly say she is my soulmate. I also love my brother.
I will always be there for them. I made that promise to my sister and I am determined to keep that promise.
I will somehow find a way to gain at least enough strength to not totally give up on me, I have to move on, I have to be there for them.
This is gonna be my last fight.......
Seriously, and it is going to be the hardest because I lost all I ever had and ever loved......