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Montag, 7. März 2016

My LAST Fight!

I have been through a lot in my life.......Soon I am going to be 26 and no I didn't reach any of my goals, I didn't achieve anything.
I have given up on myself totally twice in my life........
First time was back in 2009, it took me three years to find a bit strength to get back up, the next years I grew stronger also thanks to my now ex, who, despite of all the damage he caused to my heart, helped me a lot.
Then just in January this year, after we had almost no contact for a year, he finally told me he wont come back......He allegedly can't.
I don't believe that, because if it would be true that he still wants and loves me, why doesn't he write nor call me?
Anyway this shall not be about my previous, at the same time first, relationship.
So after he told me that, I fell again, in an even deeper and darker abyss than 2009.
I didn't want to live anymore, I thought about suicide very often, also about cutting but only once cut.
I lost all my strength in the blink of an eye, which made it even worse for I thought the strength I had I only had with him and that I should feel ashamed for being so weak.
Then just on 4th February I met a guy online on FB, he, different to my ex who lives in Australia, lives in Vienna/Austria just like me.......We talked on the phone every day till the 8th when we first met in real life.
Since then, and yes I know its not that long, he often hurt me with things he said about me, my looks, my opinions.
Now since 3 days we didn't talk on the phone...
Oh yes did I mention we are supposed to be friends with benefits?.....Yeah can you imagine me doing that?
Nope me neither.........
I was never a person who has no emotions, I am very emotional and sensitive but sometimes we agree to things just to not lose someone...
Anyway I just realize now, that he is no different than all the others who hurt me in my life....
I am still alone and I kinda lost hope it will ever change...
BUT there is 1 thing, better said 2 people in my life that I love and for whom I want to be there for as long as I can, for as long as God lets me be alive.
Just recently they entered my life again, back in November.
It is my sister and my brother I am talking about.
This is going to be my last fight, I will do what I can to gain strength, just not sure how to do that, but I will eventually find a way.
I just recently met my sister after 3 years she is 14 now, and has some mental issues herself, she and my brother live in a foster family since almost 13 years........
I love her and I can truly say she is my soulmate. I also love my brother.
I will always be there for them. I made that promise to my sister and I am determined to keep that promise.
I will somehow find a way to gain at least enough strength to not totally give up on me, I have to move on, I have to be there for them.
This is gonna be my last fight.......
Seriously, and it is going to be the hardest because I lost all I ever had and ever loved......