So great to have you here, hope u enjoy what u read and like it as well. If so of course it would be nice if u share, like and just tell everyone about me :)

Sonntag, 11. Oktober 2015

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved?

If I ever meet someone who tells me "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved", I would have to punch him in the face and say: "Hey, this is not true, I have loved and I have lost and it hurts more than anything could ever hurt.
If I would have never met Love though, the pain, that will always be a part of me, wouldn't be there.
So stop going around, telling people this lie.
If they love and lose they WILL hurt to the core of their soul and it will literally feel like dying, and a part of them WILL actually die.
If they never love, they will miss out on something spectacular, something that keeps you warm in the cold, something that makes you cry when you are happy and laugh when you are sad BUT at least they will never have to deal with the heartbreaking, backstabbing, undying pain."

Love and Lose = heartbreaking Pain
Never love = Missing out on something amazing, no heartbreaking Pain

And that's the truth and nothing but the truth!

Mittwoch, 7. Oktober 2015

Dear Mr. Unnamed

Can you remember when you told me that the kind of Love I want exists only in books and movies?
And that I am naive to expect it from anyone?
Here is my late reply, I may have been naive to expect it from someone who thinks it doesn't exist.
But I know it does exist in real life and I have various proofs for that.
Take a look at social media or Youtube and you will find heaps and heaps of videos, pictures, stories and footage of people who love each other the way I want to be loved, the way I love you.
People who are married for 50 years or more and still feel comfortable with each other, people who see each oher everyday, and surely have fights and bad days but still manage to keep the fire burning.
People who do put work in a relationship so it never grows old, people who are there for each other always, people who keep promises, people who truly love each other and don't need no other woman/man. People who truly live "Until death do us part".
Actually I should feel sorry for you because you will never ever experience such a love, you can't because you don't even believe it exists.
So what I expected was never a perfect relationship or a perfect love, that doesn't exist, what I expected was the kind of love you think only exists in movies, books and is a fairytale that little girlies who never grew up believe.
The kind of love that is true, pure, honest and worth more than anything and can't be compared with the love for a child, a parent or a friend........
It's the kind of love people call True Love, the realest love between two people who meet one day and feel as if they had always known each other.............

TRUE LOVE DOES EXIST and if you or anyone else don't believe it does I don't care for I know it does even though not everyone will experience it...........

Sonntag, 4. Oktober 2015

October - a not so good month

Yes it is october and yes I do like the colder months more than the hot ones.......
I do like Halloween a lot.
But still October is not a good month.especially this year.

Where shall I start?
Hmm well yesterday we had 24 degrees and the sun was shining, and I hate it, I think we had enough summer.......but that's the climatic change, whom some still deny.

But what's worse than the weather is that in just 28 days my 3rd anniversary would have been.
Why I say woud have been? Well guess...
And well the 31st October will always have a bad meaning.
On that day 12 years ago my siblings were taken away from us and I was taken away too from home but "only" for a year while my siblings never returned........

I remember it as it would have been yesterday it was horrible and the day seemed to be froever ruined......until I met HIM online at night of the 31st October 2012, back then I didn't know what this guy would mean to me and how things would be.
Back then I had made a video about my bullying story, I did that after I read that Amanda Todd killed herself, I saw her video and decided to do the same, not to get Likes or attention but to open up and to try to get over it. It was the first time ever that I uploaded a video to Youtube and with that it all started.

I then wrote to a page that I liked before called "Amanda Todds Safe Haven" and asked them if I could post my video on their page..........Two of the admins messaged me back, one was a woman I can't remember her name she was really nice and said yes, so I did that.
The second message was from a man, he was encouraging me and telling me that he finds me courageous to do something like that.
He made me a few compliments and I was really happy about it as I used to hide, because of my weight and looks and such.
So well I posted the video and well that man messaged me more often, in the next days we talked a lot on FB......We flirted and I started feeling more for him, something I could define back then...........
After a while I got messages from women telling me he does that to every woman who seems fragile or has mental conditions, the other admins of that page even kicked him out because he allegedly has used that page to get in touch with various girls there.......
I remember the shock and the pain I felt.
He said he didn't do that ad that I was special.....and when I said I am not sure about our contact he said he will send me a heart everyday while I am away........When I came back from my grandparents I saw the messages, everyday he had sent me a heart.....I could no longer deny what I was feeling and for the first time in my whole life I was truly in love......
From that day on our journey began, many ppl threw obstacles in our way, somehow we managed to make it through even through the worst times.......of cheating, lies and a breakup......
People have warned me, my own grandparents mistreated him........
I always stood up for him even though I had trust issues, and it took me a long time before I could trust him.
So in just 4 more weeks it would have been our 3rd anniversary and a month later our wedding was planned..........Neither of that will happen.

Maybe we were just too different, had to different needs in a relationship and maybe our mental conditions made it all even worse. Or maybe all were right and he is just a player..I was an easy target for I was the one fighting fro him and us...maybe he was just an ass but I still find it hard to think that as we did have great times and talks......

I remember all the bad fights we had online and in person..
We had only 13 weeks in total in person as he lives in Australia while I live in Austria.

I do know though he was my first true love.
I dont know if he cheated more than once, or if he lied, or if he really ever wanted to move to my country and live with me.....I don't know any of these things......All I know is my life is empty without him.....
And no I am not overdramatic this is how I feel and I can't deal with the situation, so I just sit on my laptop and play games all day long till I go to bed......I know that I have to move on......I keep on telling myself that I am not allowed to love him anymore,..

Since a few days I am pretty good in repressing certain thoughts and feelings.........but I either feel numb, sad or hopeless......but well I have to force myself to do certain things as my life is not over yet.....it is more an existing but I have to keep on existing until my day has come.......

Mittwoch, 30. September 2015

Is it Dependency or Love? Two different kinds of Dependency

Many ppl don't understand what true love is. Some even confuse it with dependency.

Yes when u are without the one u love u feel lonely, you are weak, sad and it seems nothing makes sense and yes it sounds like dependency or being overdramatic but do u know what it is? Love!

Dependency is not love it is a condition someone feels, caused from the fear of being alone, clinging to a person who claims to love u so u don't have to be alone,

So believe me I know both btdt.......Never confuse Love with Dependency just because things are meaningless to u when you are without the one u love!

I myself can truly say I love someone and thus my happiness and the way I feel is in a way dependant on him just because only with him I can be happy, he doesn't understand that never did but now it doesn't matter anyway,

I just want to tell u, whoever reads this, never let anyone tell u that it is wrong to feel sad or feel like you can't be truly happy without the one you love, that is true love, that is sadly how it feels.......But never be afraid of truly loving someone it s the strongest feeling, and surely the best you can ever feel.

As some of you may now I have some serious mental conditions and yes also dependent traits(whatever that means lol) nah seriously I think I do know what it means and as I wrote in this post it comes from my past and things I experienced. It made me totally clinge on my mother when I was a child until a few years ago. She was the only one I had and I always tried to make her proud and impress her, I always wanted to be loved by her, like I was when I was a little child.

I guess in the eyes of some that is dependency. I was never dependent on him though, he just never realized or cared.

So let me end this post again with saying Dependency is not Love but true Love will cause you to be a bit dependent on the other one, like I said with feeling happy or complete, that is not wrong and not weird that is how it should be and ur partner doesn't feel the same? He says he can be happy without you etc.? Then he doesn't truly love you......

Samstag, 19. September 2015

A Super Bowl Halfshow, Bruno Mars and some memories

Oh damn it, I should have seen that coming...

Well I never watched the Super Bowl simply becos I live in Austria and I never saw a Half Time Show but this here just blew me away...........daaaaaamn and to know that there were ppl saying he couldn't do that or that he shouldn't becos he is not a star makes me roll my eyes.

This was just amazing and the most powerful, greatest 14 minutes I have ever seen.
He was amazing just the way he is :)
He has an awesome voice and he dances like out of the world...........and then combined with the Red Hot Chili Peppers that must have been awesome to see live.
I mean I looove music and this was IT it was pure, raw music at its best. This is how music has to be, fun, and enjoyable, emotional.

At the end his song well that kinda threw me off the cliff.
I love that song I find it beautiful and well I remember when I first met that one man I love so much and my mum(who is a huge Bruno Fan) listened to the Bruno Mars Cd I bought her and it played that song and he didn't know the song but when he heard it he said it's a great song and that this is what he would say to me.........so it became one of our songs I don't know if he remembers though.......

I remember listening to the Cd with him, my mum and pa in the car, him and I held each others hands and looked forward to the place we drove, and then it played that song again and "Marry Me" and he looked into my eyes and nodded..........So this brings back memories............

And well I am so envious cos when we met online it was a few months before my mums birthday and he wanted me to choose something for her and he would pay for it as I couldn't afford anything better than a Cd or such as I don't have money, so I thought it would be awesome to gift her two tickets for the Bruno Mars Concert in our homecity Vienna, he bought the tickets and at her Birthday he was here in Vienna and we gave her the tickets, she was screaming and so happy.
I was happy for her, she had never been to a concert before neither had I so I wish I would have been there too LOl but anyway my mother and I have a very complicated relationship and lately it became worse, but back then I just wanted to thank her at least once for giving birth to me and raising me on her own, dealing with my problems as well as her own including violence, depressions etc.
We both had a hard time and it does suck that we didn't make it.
But she will always be my mother and I will always love her, I have some great memories with her.
She did a lot of shitty things and we mostly don't talk or interact, she is mostly badmouthing me, stabbing my back or just rude...........but I did make my peace with it. It is sad and I wish I would have still a mother, I mean I have her but she is not really a mother since years.
I would love her to be a mother who loves me who shows it, who supports me, but yeah anyway. Don't want to mess this post up ;) So awesome show loooove it!

Sleepless in Vienna....again

Well first and foremost Hello to everyone who will read this.

I didn't write since a long time even though there is so much going on in my mind all the time that I could possibly easily fill pages every day.

However my mood is really kinda knocking me out at the moment but just now i had the urge to write a short post.

Yeah at 4:23 am........some might think that is weird or that I have to work or whatever.
Well let me explain (but it is weird too)
I had troubles with my sleep since I was a child.
It just gets more and more frustrating, exhausting.
It happens often especially since a few years.

I had some fine months where I was able to sleep during the night for about 7-8 hours, it was when I was happy and calm and motivated because of my relationship.
Now I am having troubles again.

So because I can't sleep I play games online or watch some stuff on Youtube.........
When I get really tired I try to sleep but it doesn't work.
So I take meds to do so.
The meds I take then are the ones my shrink gave me so I am not buying sleeping pills or such, actually because my mum doesn't allow me to do that as she says you can easily become an addict.
Anyways, I have to take certain meds on a daily basis including Pills that shall help me fall asleep and are against depression and anxiety.
I have to take 100 mg every day before I go to bed, but sadly lately it doesn't help.
Not only because I become used to it I take them since a few years) but also because my mental health seems to get worse especially now that I am having a very rough time.
So what I did a few times lately is taking another 150 mg at 2am, then I fall asleep like 20 minutes later, it totally calms me, my mind stops racing, it is a very nice feeling, the pain is gone for a while.
Did that last night and slept 12 hours during the day.
So here I am now again, not able to sleep even though I am tired.
Then just before a songtext came to my mind and I had to write it down......along with it I wrote 3 short poems, afterwards I was very exhausted and that is a new feeling, as whenever I used to write anything it didn't exhaust me, this time it did............Well I hope no one of you has those problems, wish you all a good night or a good day wherever you are.

Mittwoch, 8. Juli 2015

PCOS - One of my physical conditions who make Life harder

I am a bit scared about my physical health at the moment......
Probably by now all of u know my mental conditions as I have nothing to hide, I do have some physical conditions too. one of them is the Hashimoto Syndrom, which holds a bigger risk for miscarriage.....and then i have also PCOS which holds the same risk but more........My doctor diagnosed it a year ago and she told me too take Dietary supplements, they would cost 40 euro a month so I was never able to take them and that's why I wasn't there for a second time in november....I always worry about me never being able to have a child and considering that I have this conditions my concern is sadly appropriate.
Anyway at the moment I am having biiiiiig trouble with the PCOS.......can't go to the doctor for we don't have the money for it + it wouldn't do anything for I can't afford the supplements and I am scared that it got worse.........I remember how scared I was when I first was there, I feared she would tell me something like that......Umm well im alone with this as well as with my other problems.......And I just also learned that there is a higher risk for cancer, diabetes etc...and one of the most important things is to lose weight.......I am obese and for some reason since a few years I even gain weight when I eat healthy or not much...Could also be my meds too..........But well often I don't look at what I eat......I am just upset for I have an eating disorder and when I try to lose weight and see that it doesn't work good I tend to give up...Back then when I lost 40kg I wasn't doing it very healthy.........so to speak...well bulemia says it all....and I am a person that wants too much I guess I set too high goals for myself always did that when I was in school........Always wanted to be a good student, I am a perfectionist sadly.......And the same goes for losing weight....for example if i would lose 10 kilos in 6 months I would freak ............In my eyes i have to lose 10kg at least in a month!.....shitty thing all this and I do wonder why I must have these conditions on top of my mental ones.
Yes i know many many otehrs have it worse I know that and i do care about that! But it is hwo it is for me the things I have to deal with are exhausting me, saddening me, scaring me........https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome

Mittwoch, 25. März 2015

Many many many bad words :)

FUCK FUCK FUCK I go fucking crazy with this piece of shit that my laptop and this damn internet is!! I am so damn angry I really screamed at my laptop, I just talked to my grampa and I wont get the new laptop in the next few months at least....I am freaking in this second, cos I have to be very lucky and I am certainly not, if this laptop works one more week. I am just pissed cos that happens when u are dependant to anyone, they fucking let u fall ALWAYS! And NOOOOOOO it's not about that fucking laptop or money, I mean that in general.....good okay I admit maybe this gets to me so much as I cried my eyes out again, this is shit, the whole situation I am in is shit and I ask myself who am I kidding,
Whom do I want to convince that I am fucking ok? Others? Or myself?.....:/
I am just one stupid piece of shit.
I am just stupid, really that's not my selfhatred that's a fact!
I am so sick of this all.
YEARS of fake ppl, fake friends, fake family, emotional abuse, lies, cheating....Still I am trying it again and again I give everyone a chance and believe that some ppl really care for me.
What a stupid cunt I am. I am just stupid, I deserve all this, I deserve to be treated like shit, it's my own fault cos I just don't understand it obviously. If it would be possible I swear I would beat myself. Just a few minutes ago what did I do? Trying to sleep but couldn't of course. and then listened to music, lovesongs + sad, and had the urge to look at the things I have left from my true love, no that's not all I even put that damn Engagment necklace around my neck.....I just don't get how one person can be so retarded and I mean myself!
No wonder everyone does with me what  they want its so easy! No wonder I 'even have a job with 24, ppl say I am intelligent?
Oh yeah totally agree *sarcasm*.....................

PS: Sorry for the insults, but I guess u guyz wont be mad at me, its not like I would insult someone else ;)