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Sonntag, 4. Oktober 2015

October - a not so good month

Yes it is october and yes I do like the colder months more than the hot ones.......
I do like Halloween a lot.
But still October is not a good month.especially this year.

Where shall I start?
Hmm well yesterday we had 24 degrees and the sun was shining, and I hate it, I think we had enough summer.......but that's the climatic change, whom some still deny.

But what's worse than the weather is that in just 28 days my 3rd anniversary would have been.
Why I say woud have been? Well guess...
And well the 31st October will always have a bad meaning.
On that day 12 years ago my siblings were taken away from us and I was taken away too from home but "only" for a year while my siblings never returned........

I remember it as it would have been yesterday it was horrible and the day seemed to be froever ruined......until I met HIM online at night of the 31st October 2012, back then I didn't know what this guy would mean to me and how things would be.
Back then I had made a video about my bullying story, I did that after I read that Amanda Todd killed herself, I saw her video and decided to do the same, not to get Likes or attention but to open up and to try to get over it. It was the first time ever that I uploaded a video to Youtube and with that it all started.

I then wrote to a page that I liked before called "Amanda Todds Safe Haven" and asked them if I could post my video on their page..........Two of the admins messaged me back, one was a woman I can't remember her name she was really nice and said yes, so I did that.
The second message was from a man, he was encouraging me and telling me that he finds me courageous to do something like that.
He made me a few compliments and I was really happy about it as I used to hide, because of my weight and looks and such.
So well I posted the video and well that man messaged me more often, in the next days we talked a lot on FB......We flirted and I started feeling more for him, something I could define back then...........
After a while I got messages from women telling me he does that to every woman who seems fragile or has mental conditions, the other admins of that page even kicked him out because he allegedly has used that page to get in touch with various girls there.......
I remember the shock and the pain I felt.
He said he didn't do that ad that I was special.....and when I said I am not sure about our contact he said he will send me a heart everyday while I am away........When I came back from my grandparents I saw the messages, everyday he had sent me a heart.....I could no longer deny what I was feeling and for the first time in my whole life I was truly in love......
From that day on our journey began, many ppl threw obstacles in our way, somehow we managed to make it through even through the worst times.......of cheating, lies and a breakup......
People have warned me, my own grandparents mistreated him........
I always stood up for him even though I had trust issues, and it took me a long time before I could trust him.
So in just 4 more weeks it would have been our 3rd anniversary and a month later our wedding was planned..........Neither of that will happen.

Maybe we were just too different, had to different needs in a relationship and maybe our mental conditions made it all even worse. Or maybe all were right and he is just a player..I was an easy target for I was the one fighting fro him and us...maybe he was just an ass but I still find it hard to think that as we did have great times and talks......

I remember all the bad fights we had online and in person..
We had only 13 weeks in total in person as he lives in Australia while I live in Austria.

I do know though he was my first true love.
I dont know if he cheated more than once, or if he lied, or if he really ever wanted to move to my country and live with me.....I don't know any of these things......All I know is my life is empty without him.....
And no I am not overdramatic this is how I feel and I can't deal with the situation, so I just sit on my laptop and play games all day long till I go to bed......I know that I have to move on......I keep on telling myself that I am not allowed to love him anymore,..

Since a few days I am pretty good in repressing certain thoughts and feelings.........but I either feel numb, sad or hopeless......but well I have to force myself to do certain things as my life is not over yet.....it is more an existing but I have to keep on existing until my day has come.......