So great to have you here, hope u enjoy what u read and like it as well. If so of course it would be nice if u share, like and just tell everyone about me :)

Mittwoch, 17. Dezember 2014

The World becomes the worst place in the Universe


I have to be serious now, this shocked me big time, I almost cried and it's absolutely horrible that things like that happen, and they happen there daily.
They say things are gonna change but NOTHING changes,
How can the rest of the world ignore this huge problem?
Just because they are "only" women? Shouldn't they have the same rights?
So instead of using energy for starting wars everywhere just because some people don't respect others, people should focus on how bad the world already is and try to fix that.
It's awful to know that rape is so common there and no one seems to care!
I am so damn angry, things like that really get to me because of my personal experiences, and just seeing or hearing about things like that makes me really sad.
I am sad that I can't do anything against such cruelty, all I can do is writing about it, posting it and hope one day the world will wake up.....hopefully then it wont be too late.

Sonntag, 14. Dezember 2014


When I was younger and someone in a movie or in real life said their hearts are frozen I never knew what they meant, I couldn't imagine a heart being frozen.
Now that changed.

I freeze inside, it's like it would be snowing inside of me, a storm swirling the snowflakes around my shattered heart, filling the cuts slowly with snow and ice so it freezes to the core.....

I literally freeze inside, it feels like when u are sick and have ague, the only difference is that u are not sick....well not physically even though I do have physical problems as well becos of it but that's what bothers me least.
I shiver inside and I can't do anything to stop it.
It is getting colder and colder inside of me.
It hurts so damn much, like literally losing a bodypart to frostbite.....
It feels like the ice is inside my heart, right there where it feels most intense...
Like my heart becomes cracked from all the ice.....

I am so afraid of freezing......
I am alone, no one is there to keep me warm....

Montag, 8. Dezember 2014


1) my granny got hit by a car, sent to hospital, put into a coma
2) their house burnt down, becos my aunt threw ash away
3) on 12th November my granny died in hospital, I was crying two days in a row for I didn't see her one last time ,and becos I blamed myself because I wasn't there for her, I should have done something, I don't know what but she deserved a better life. I''ll never forgive myself for not seeing here once again and telling her she wont be forgotten and is loved.
4) my aunt(who lived with her) had a go at me on the phone because I said I wouldn't attend the funeral(reasons were that they are hypocriticals and I was afraid that my bio father would start a fight there at the grave)
5) a week after the funeral she called me again, was aggressive and told me to stop the shit, didn't know what she meant and she said I have to stop writing about my family on the internet otherwise....so she threatened me and I know that it wasn't her who found me on FB, I bet it was my bio father and yes I am scared, not only I know what my father is capable of but also they could easily ruin everything I have built in the last months on the internet
6) we have no money, less than usual, sometimes not even enough to buy bread
7) my mum will quit her job, she can't bear it any longer physically and mentally
8) last week they were 3times at the icesaloon and pizzeria where they drank alcohol(8-10 hours),
9) In november it was planned that me and my grampa drive to salzburg for vacation, I couldn't drive with him, I decided that when I was already in the car with my bags, he was furious and wrote me a message on the next day saying I am dead for him(actually didn't bother me there are not many ppl anymore who can hurt me)
10) since july I applied for about 25 jobs and always got a NO, not good for my not existant selfconfidence
11) had a selfhurting relapse
12) in all this time there was 1 thing that made it all worse, one thing that hit me very bad, one thing that sent me right to depressionland, something that really hurt me....no contact with the one I love....since almost 4 weeks he is like this and I cried every damn day, I had to take more meds, I feel so alone, hurt sad and yes I fear it is over...I know things can come to an end but not in such a way...so through all this shit lately I had to go alone...well I am used to that but I thought I never ever have to deal with things like that alone, he promised.....this one thing is stabbing my heart and pulling my soul out of my body......Tomorrow and wednesday I have two meetings and I have no damn idea where to get the strength from as my depression is so bad at the moment that I don't shower, comb my hair etc more often than once a week.....I hate it I can only lie in bed, cry or distract myself with laughing with my parents when they are home.......and always my thoughts are with him....Why? Sometimes I think I am just stupid and that's what I deserve, maybe I am the one to blame at least for that last thing cos deep inside I always feared that we wouldn't make it.....I just didn't want to see it, I still don't want it to end.....I hate myself for still loving him.........

Samstag, 25. Oktober 2014

Somebody to lean on?

Some of u may read that my dad has a thrombosis, thank god he will be okay.
Well just a few days after that diagnosis my aunt called me...my granny had a bad car accident, she is 81, was sent to hospital, now she is on the intensive care unit, her leg is broken and she has a cerebral hemorrhage, they had to put her into a coma.........She also has cancer since years.....
Well I do think she wont survive that long and I was in shock, I cried.
I didn't have that much contact with her in the last years but I can honestly say I am the only one in this family who honestly cares, but thats another story....
No one showed compassion for me, that made it worse.....I felt alone.again.
So here I am, having the flu, being sad becos of my granny and well just in general.......
I really could use a hug, a nice word, warmth and someone who holds me..
Don't we need that all?
A person, only one person where we can let our walls come down and be weak?
To whom we can go when we are certain that we can't fight any longer?
Someone who is there for us in our darkest hours?
Yeah well if u are religious u have ur faith, I have my faith as well but that's not what I mean, I mean a human being.......
I wish that person could be my fiancee, I love him so much, we will probably marry next year..........but he can't be there like this for me..I know it's not his fault as he has conditions and problems on his own.but the only person I can think of daily and especially when I am sad is him, I want him to hug me, kiss me on the forehead, hold me, well simply be there for me as I am and always will be for him as good as I can and when he let me......:( I know that only he could make me feel content, save and happy..........And it breaks my heart to know he can't be there for me like this anymore......it's not fair.........
And I have no idea how to deal with that fact...it is so hard and I know it's not good for me, neither mentally nor physically when I need to hold back my thoughts and feelings........it's a shitty thing......but I have to do so.........
He was the one who made me believe in myself and my dreams, he made me go out in public again, he gave me so much strength....
Only becos of him I got my will to live back...and my faith that there is a future for me......he once said I would never ever be alone again..he would always be there for me to protect and support me.....and now he can't........
It hurts so much especially becos I know if he reads this he will be upset, disappointed and angry at me......I do everything I can to be the best fiancee, I love him, I care for him I am there for him but he never sees it.......I wish we both wouldn't have our baggage.......I wish we would be "normal" ........

Sonntag, 21. September 2014


Yeah my life is complicated, it has always been and maybe it will always be.

Well I am sitting here and write this post, while P!nk sings "Fu**in Perfect", one of my favorite songs.
Coincidence? Not sure.

Anyway...I don't feel very good since a few days.
Yes it's again because of my fiancee.

Just a few hours ago he sent me a SMS, telling me I shall never doubt his love for me.......
I don't know what to say, I mean I guess he does know he didn't contact me in any way since thursday?
(We have a long distance rel.)

I was just lying down, about to sleep when the phone rang(the SMS).......and immediately, even though I was already kinda drifting into sleep, I was awake and sitting in my bed, having a weird feeling, like a stone would have fallen from my heart.
I told myself "Okay calm down, maybe it is not him" but then I thought, who else would send me a SMS at midnight? (he lives in Australia)
When I read it, I immediately started crying........
Then I couldn't go back to sleep, so since then I sit here and play games on FB(it's now 6am).
I have problems with my sleep and especially lately it was horrible..I am kinda tired now but in a way I stayed awake to not have to deal with my feelings......and actually to don't have to admit that after all, and after all the tears I cried because of him, just in the last few days, just this SMS made me feel better and gave me energy and even the shaking and being not able to breathe properly is gone......
I hate to admit it, but that's him.........
It's amazing, wonderful but at the same time scary and annoying that he has such a power over me and my feelings...........

Just before I got this SMS from him I was talking to myself(only in my mind) that I have to focus on myself and my life, that I have to move on and accept it's never gonna work........
And then exactly in that moment the SMS arrived.........Coincidence? Not sure again....

Complicated? YES for sure.........one word to describe my life? COMPLICATED......hmm sounds like an idea for a movie about my life ;) LOL

Montag, 8. September 2014

When u have to apologize for buying food.........

NO I don't joke....

First I have to say I still live at home(I am 24, right now looking for a job so I can move out as things get worse here, I am still here because mental problems made me unable to work....)

So my awesome, and so generous mother let me stay here, I get food(if we have money) and my meds(at least most of them).

Okay some of you may know that I have a lot of stress with my mother and her husband especially lately.
Anyway things were better after I decided to stay home alone on the weekends while they are in the House.

Yes well till today...
My mother gave me 30 Euros on friday for food and drinks for the three days.
She allowed me to order food.
Which I did on friday(after I decided I have to eat something even though the stress with my fiancee didn't let me be very hungry), I ordered food for 28,90Euro(I spent all 30 because I planned to only order once and dont eat on the other days)
I don't have to tell you, that things are expensive no matter where u buy them especially lately we had very high raisings here in austria, but anyway....
On sunday I got hungry and really struggled with the decision but ordered again(no shops are open on Sunday here) ordered for 22,90. (I do think it's not fair that u had to order at least for 20 Euros as that has changed with that delievery service).

So yes can u imagine that? I was sooo scared of telling my parents but eventually I did.
Now my mother came home from work....
Oh yeah and the shitstorm hit me.
She got upset, yelled at me, said she has no money and that they never can buy things for themselves, can't enjoy the life etc.
I was shocked and well of course defended myself as she is the one who always says she supports me as good as she can.........BS!
Considering that they spend 300 euros a month alone for cigarettes plus a lot of money for alcohol it kinda made me upset.
Well of course it's her money as she works to earn it, but how can she dare to yell at me?
How can she dare to say she has nothing from life? They were just on 2 festivals lately.........
Then when I got upset and said that I have no idea what's her problem and I think she is unfair......she said I am only in that mood because of the stress with my fiancee.........Yeah that made me angry and I said thats BS and that I am upset because she blames me for us not having enough money........
She then yelled at me that they know what's up with me and that I want to fight with them and well simply that I am the one to blame for everything......I am used to that but yes it brought tears to my eyes and my hands were shaking.......my nerves...
But she didn't care, and he didn't either as he said nothing....
So I went to my room where I am now and had to write this post........
Just today the shaking and panic attacks stoped(that I had to deal with since a few days) and now this? Greeeeeat.........I am hungry now but wont eat anything and she can keep the money(as I bought the second meal from my birtdhay money)........

I hope I will find a job soon so I can buy what I want and I hope I will never ever have to endure times of not having enough money to buy food.....(as I often had to endure in the past and recent past)

Yes I would need my man.....but as we have stress at the moment I am all alone.....and I want to be there for him as well even though I can't understand why he feels the way he feels now and is like he is now to me.......but I love him so I want to be there for him and will be, I just think it's so typical my life, when one tornado hits me, a hurricane is not so far away...WOW that was poetic :) and I made myself smile.....never thought I would have that much strength.......still I am not strong enough I think...but who knows? maybe I will be one day :)

Sonntag, 7. September 2014

When a very short and simple SMS changes your day....

Well then it's either bad news or from someone special.

In my case it is from someone special....
If you read my previous post you know it's a rough time with my fiancee at the moment.
Well the SMS was from him, it simply said "Guten Morgen mein Liebchen" (yes it is german, because I live in Austria and he knows a few things in german already)
What can I say? I had to smile, just a little smile....not as big as the ones I had before this rough time started BUT a smile..and still he is the One who does that, who is able to make me smile, when I don't feel like it at all......
I don't know how I can describe what I feel, I am a writer so I do know how to use words best, but I think some things you just can't put in words, there are no words to describe this intense feeling....if there are words, they would just don't be enough so I wont try to find some....
I love him so much, I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't know how and if a couple can go through such extreme times BUT I do know what I feel for him and how he makes me feel......

Sitting here and listening to music, I even sing some of them.......
It's one of 2 CD's I made for US in our first year.......and the first of these 2 CD's is even more special as it is the CD I want to listen to on our wedding day........I guess I never told him that....and well hearing these songs(we sent them to each other in the beginning) goes straight to my heart.
Very emotional.

I will try to get some sleep but this maybe wont let me sleep.......

Donnerstag, 4. September 2014

Being accused of something you didn't do

It's been a while since my last post, but tonight I have to write something down.

It wasn't a good day at all, I wont go into details but yes there was a fight with my fiancee....
I feel awful, it's like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it into a dustbin...
So if there is someone who wants to know how a real heartbreak feels, come on and ask me.

Well anyway.......

Now to what the title of this post says.

I guess many of you know how it feels when u are accused of something you didn't do or say.
It happened to me many times before and now again.
I am in a relationship with a man who has three kids, he puts them first and me second.
I had a big problem with that in the beginning as it did hurt, especially because he said some things like.
"In a perfect world I would be ONLY with my kids" or "Kids are forever, women not"

Now to what happened today.
I posted a status on Facebook from a page that is about marriage.
It said that in a marriage there is no space for a child, father, mother, brother, friend etc.
2 is a marriage 3 is a crowd.
Well I can honestly say what I wanted to say with it when I posted it.
And I don't think they meant it the way my fiancee thinks.
I liked and shared this status because I agree, in the actual marriage there is no space for others, as everything that happens in the marriage and between the two partners is their thing and only theirs, that's not anyone elses business, not even that of the kids.
I mean we all know some even use kids to put the other one under pressure etc.
He thinks I am jealous of his kids, and that I want him to decide between me and them, which I don't want.
Of course he had to add that he would choose them but I knew that, and I accepted that a while ago.
He commented under the status saying that he KNOWS spouses are not always forever but kids are, which is even right in a way but hearing him saying that again, and how he means it, did hurt ( I guess no woman or man wants to feel average and just like one of many women or men who come and go, especially not when the plan is to marry in 9 months)
Anyway I answered he should then overthink if he even should marry a second time with such an attitude and then well then he did it.
He said maybe that's true cos my attitude sucks.
He told me he wont have contact with me as he is angry at me and furious. If I keep on bringing that up when I know his kids are the core of his soul, there is nothing he has to say to me.
Yep there it is a classic one, I was being accused of bringing something up or better said in this case complaining about something again, and not for the first time.
The thing is as I wrote here, I didn't mean to make him feel that's what I wanted to say with that status but he didn't listen.
He accuses me often of doing the same bullshit over and over again when I don't, like in this case.
But u can't do anything, u are being accused and u have to listen and let the person attack you and all u can think is "WTF did happen?" I tried to defend myself and explain myself but he didn't listen, thats often the problem, the person who accuses u of things has this opinion and no matter if it's right or wrong, no matter if u really did or said what the person accuses u of u can't change their mind.

So I had to read a lot of these things, and now I am still shocked cos things were fine lately........
Probably he knows that now I will come to my own conclusions and think what could be the reason for this.........
Maybe we had too much contact? And yes it feels like he desperately searches for a reason to have a big fight with me, cos even before this he turned my messages who were all positive into negative stuff and me being ignorant.
So yes, I feel horrible but I know for a fact I didn't do what he accuses me off and I know for a fact that I didn't behave wrong.....but that doesn't really help........

I love him so much, that this hurts more than anything could ever hurt me........
There were many fights between us in the past and I know a relationship will never be without them, but not like this......I really thought something like this will never happen again but it did, and then he wonders why it's so hard to trust him and believe that things he says are true and will happen.
But I did again and now? Again my heart is shattered........I don't know what will happen next but I know if he ever reads this post he will be even angrier cos he will think I want to play the victim and it has to be all about me........How wrong he is he will never see I guess.....But well if he doesn't know me and my feelings, especially with such important things, by now he will never know or doesn't want to know them because he rather thinks I am an arrogant, selfish woman whose only purpose in life is to make him feel bad.......

Donnerstag, 29. Mai 2014

Another hero in my life - Jessie Hammond

Handi-Capable: Being Handi-capable: Music: "Pandora mix" I've heard the term "Handicapped" my whole life it wasn't until I started PT ( Physical T...

It's been a while since my last post here but I want you to meet Jessie Hammond, a friend of mine and an amazing person, I hope you will all follow her blog because it is a great one, she is such a strong woman, I adore her.

Mittwoch, 30. April 2014

Islam, Christianity.....what is the "right" faith?

Yeah I think you can have the right faith, really I think that.
BUT it's not dependant on how u call ur god, how he looks or what he did.
It's about Hope, Love, respect.
About treating others as good as you can, helping others. Not being selfish.
Not hurting others.
Not killing nor raping.
Not about punishing the ppl who have a different religion.
The right religion doesn't exist, as in every religion u have the extremists, the ones who think they are the only ones who know what to do and who think all they do is right.
Some of them even do it in gods name, but that doesn't make it right.

It is awful to hear what ppl say........this muslim saying when christians fight against muslims they need to be attacked, and killed..... all these poor people being killed becos of their religion and u jus tsit there and ask urself why is this happening? Why do ppl think they have the right to do those things and o it in the name of God, Allah etc.....I guess  I will never understand how ppl can kill others and even say the believe in god, allah etc.
God is love thats what it is all about......so instead of killing ppl who don't have the same religion shouldn't they better live their religious life and respect that others have another faith?.....there was one girl she said islam means peace and that islam is about accepting and respecting others faith...........but I can't see that happenning..its sad.......I think no matter what religion u have if u are full of anger, if u kill people and treat them like gabbage u are confusing religion with extremism......religion should bring us peace not war........

So no one has the right religion as there is no right or wrong one.
Whenver it's about killing or hurting any living creature it's Hate, and has nothing to do with religion nor faith.
So whatever u believe in. If u are muslim, christian, buddhist, hindu.I don't care as long as u respect everyone. As long as u never harm someone intentionally u will have my total respect.

I hope one day it will be possible to have ur religion and don't have to be afraid to say it out loud.......nowadays trust me it's not easy to be christian either.......u have all the haters there on the net......but I simply don't care cos I know I am a good person, I believe in god and humanity and I respect other religions.
So yeah it's important to wake up and wake up others so we all realize it should never be about killing others!

Give respect and love, NEVER let hate into your heart.as soon as hate is in there it will never leave again and everything will be controlled by it........Let love be in there instead....no matter how hard this will be do it and u will surely have a better life than if u waste ur time with hating.

Dienstag, 29. April 2014

Just a quick post(more will follow)

well as u maybe noticed I watched something on TV.......the first hour it was about Malala, the girl from pakistan.........she is definitely a heroine and I will make a blogpost about her......now it's about Nigeria, fight between muslims and christians......and a group of terrorists who forbid education for girls..........it's awful how the world is outside our safe four walls.......and yet it makes me see how grateful I have to be......and what's really important in life.....and that I can't understand why ppl do hurt others inetntionally...........also in our so called civilized world........I talk about ppl who kill others for an euro, who rape, torture, steal.........people who cheat on their partner, it's a free world so u can choose if u want to have a monogamous relationship or not, there is no need to cheat and hurt!.....ppl who lie, who stab ur back, who betray, who think only of themselves, who are egoistic and selfish...all this in our civilized world?..........yeah.......so tell me how shall the world change when not even the civilized under us are true, honest, loyal, caring and loving?...........

Dienstag, 4. März 2014

A strong woman

Well I made a post or two about true heroes, and this lady is definitely a hero as well.
I love her, she is amazing, she cares for others even though she has been through a lot of shit.
I am honored to call her a friend.
She is also an author and about to publish her first book which will be her biography.
I think it takes a lot of courage to tell the story of your life when it is a story like this one.
I also plan to publish my biography and she just shows me that it is possible.
This is a biography we all should read not like the ones who are from celebrities or such who just want to make money.
This is the story of a brave woman who endured hell.
She is intelligent and has a supercute daughter.
I think she did well.
So I ask u all to read this post it has the cover and the first chapter in it <3


If you have a heart you will cry

Well I did....So read this and see if u have a heart or not...for me it really made me smile and teary because this definitely helps me to believe that there is still a chance for the world and for humanity.

Samstag, 1. März 2014

The first interview

Yes here is it, the first interview I have ever had.
Chasity Nicole an author made it happen.
I am sooo happy I already feel like a star :)
Interview with me :) <---------just click on it :)

Sonntag, 23. Februar 2014

Falling in Love.......again and again

Is it possible to fall in love again and again? Everyday? With the same guy?
YES it definitely is possible as that is what's happening to me.
I don't know if u noticed but me and my boyfriend had a break a few weeks ago, after many bad times and big fights we had a break(we had 2 ones before)
BUT now we are back together and it feels even better, he changed so much for the better, he really makes an effort, he really works on himself which makes me proud of him and that I am his main inspiration is just WOW.
He is my main inspiration now as well so we both benefit from each others changes.
That is awesome I think.
I never felt so much love for him, and daily I fall more for him.
Our love now feels so much deeper and intense.
We deal so much better now with our own crap and our bad pasts, mental health conditions and issues.
We can now really be there for each other cos we finally accepted that we are worthy and that we deserve all the best.
I became so much stronger due to the whole stress between us, I know now I can live on my own, I can fight alone I don't need him to live my life, BUT also I know my life is so much brighter and better with him in it.
We have a long distance realtionship and yeah it does hurt often that we aren't together in person BUT I try to avoid that thinking, because I realized either way in person or not I have him in my life, if that's the only possible way to have him I will be fine cos I don't want to lose him again and actually I wanna spend the rest of our Lifes together in which way ever is possible.
I am not saying I prefer it this way LOL far from that but if it will be the only possible way I will do it.
He is much more now the man I always wanted, he is amazing , he did so much lately and I still can't believe that he did it partly for me.
I am just amazed by him, and I feel proven about what I always said about him, that he is a good man, that he has a big heart and that I am proud of him.
I love him and I will love him till my very last breath and beyond.
So yeah some of u will say it's stupid to keep this rel. but I don't care cos it's my life, some of u will maybe say it wont work but I don't care either. I mean even my own mother does this kind of badmouthing it and excuses it with saying she is just tired of him hurting me, even though I know she does it more because she just can't stand the fact that I am so much stronger and independant now.
Because I know the right ones will wish me luck, will be happy for me and support me so yeah.
I did also become more independant and I don't care that much about what others say about the things I say and do or even how I look.
It's healthier for me, and I mean in the end it's only important what I think about myelf, and the ones I love think about me.
And if he reads this: Baby? I love you, Ich liebe dich, Je t'aime, Te quiero, Ti amo! <3

Freitag, 14. Februar 2014

My Valentines day :)

Flowers from my honey :)
Yes I got roses from my boyfriend in australia :)
Am I lucky or what?
I am happy about them and even though I am shaking out of sadness and anger(about my mother) I am happy that I got such wonderful flowers.........well the colors of the roses have different meanings and yellow ones aren't good ones LOL but in this case they are cos I do believe he loves me.
Wish u all a good evening/night/morning :)

Valentines Day or not?

Valentines day, actually my second one where I am not Single, still kinda weird :)

Well what can I say? As you all probably know by now I love holidays and celebrating things like that.

BUT I think when u are in a relationship where u truly love each other it shouldn't matter if it is Valentines day or not, you should always show ur other half that u love them.
Tenderness, Love, Romance, Affection, Sensuality, all this is needed and wanted every day not only on one day a year!
I think we all should remember that.
Yes sure why not buy flowers, or a necklace or a stuffed animal, make a candle light dinner or a wellness weekend during the year?
You don't have to wait for 14th february to make something speical for the person you love.
And my opinion to this day is, as long as we don't only use it to pretend we care and love our partner, and show it just once a year it can be a very nice, lovely day.
It's the day of the Lovers it means celebrating our love more then usual, it means really realizing what u have with ur partner.
So relationships, Love means effort u have to make an effort every day of the relationship, and it shouldn't even feel like effort, u know what I mean?
Make ur partner feel special on every day u are with them.
We all know nothing in this world is promised, so let us really enjoy every moment with our other half and make it to a special one as long as we can.
I do love to get flowers and presents, messages and posts on my wall from my boyfriend on this very special day and I don't want him to stop that.
I love Valentines day as I said for me it is a day to celebrate the love even more, and I think love does deserve such a day.
As long as we not ONLY show our love to our partner on this day everything is okay and we can all enjoy it.
Yeah there are ppl who don't like that day but hey u know what? You don't have to celebrate it, but let others do what they want to!
Dont ruin their Valentines days!
And also stop grumbling "Yeah it's just another day where the corporations make money", so what?
That's life, they make money and don't care about the love on this day BUT
isn't it more important that the ppl who celebrate Valentines day and spend money on their partner enjoy it and feel even closer on this day?
That's what it should be about, so if u don't like it, just shut up, u are not forced to celebrate Valentines day.
For all the others,

Freitag, 7. Februar 2014

New Poem from today

Appreciate what I have

I appreciate the Life I've got,

you ask me if it's easy? No it's not!
But I learned to live it, beyond my limits,
I am stronger now and also vivid.
Now I dedicate my Life to help and support, cos Life is way too short,
to only suffer and also doubt, cos Love is whats it all about.
Love for myself and for others, bring joy and faith to all the strugglers.
I know my purpose now, and hope to show I am worth this Gift of Life somehow.
I do believe in many things, god, humanity and that I can fly without wings.
I'll live every day as it would be my last, and make everyone the best.
We don't know how long we will be here, so let's be loyal and sincere.
Our whole Life through and all the time, cos to love, heal and help is not a crime!
I know now what does really matter, so let us change the world for the better!

©Audrey Valentine 2014

Samstag, 1. Februar 2014

This man (POEM)

This man

There was this man, he showed me everything,
I did not know anything
but I was willing to reach new shores, but not without fear,
There was this man, whom I loved so much.
I, after all, so much wanted in my life.
There was this day that changed everything
there was this hand that turned.
He broke my heart just like that, I sadly said goodbye.
A nothing, I am for him now.
Nothing, he is for me now,
Nothing except.... Everything!

©2014 Audrey Valentine

True Heros - I want u to meet another two strong women and in my eyes heroes

Mittwoch, 29. Januar 2014

Songs for him

When we were a couple we sent us songs.....in my case they always expressed how I felt.and well now more than ever these words need to be written down by me.....I still feel all these words for him <3

"......I only wanna make it good, so if I love u a little more than I should,
Please forgive me I don't know what I do....Dont deny me this pain I am going through.......Please forgive me I can't stop loving you....."
-Bryan Adams/Please forgive me-

"...If u leave me now u take away the biggest part of me.......And if u leave me now u take away the very heart of me......"
-Chicago/If u leave me now-

".....How can I love when I am afraid to fall?.....I have died every day waiting for u, darling don't be afraid I have loved u for a thousand years, I love u for a thousand more.....Every breath, every hour has come to this, one step closer......."
-Christina Perri/Thousand years-

"...Long before u came I knew somehow life would bring me you........I love u more than words can say, I love u there's no other way.......For the first time I've come home, I have found my fate.......
-Fady Maloouf/Blessed-

"....I'm not a perfect person, there are many things I wish I didn't do.......That I just want u to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new and the reason is YOU...."

"....I wont give up on us even if the skies gets rough, I am giving u all of my love......"
-Jason Mraz/I wont give up-

"....I wanna feel this way longer than time........I wanna change the world only for u, all the impossible I wanna do.....I wanna kiss ur smile and feel ur pain, I know whats beautiful looking at u, here in a world of lies u are the truth......Everytime you touch me I become a hero....."
-Julio Iglesias & Dolly Parton/When u tell me that u love me-

".....And I wonder if I ever cross ur mind for me it happens all the time.....I'm all alone and I need u now, said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need u now......and I don't know how I can do without, I just need u now..."
-Lady Antebellum/Need you now-

".....Caught up in this moment, caught up in ur smile.......Never opened up to anyone......We don't need to rush this let's just take it slow, just a kiss on ur lips in the moonlight....I don't wanna mess this thing up nor I wanna push too far........"
-Lady Antebellum/Just a kiss-

"......I love how u love me, forever and a day u can trust me, just believe I love how u love me....I love how u love me no matter what will be u can trust me, eternally I love how u love me....."
-Melanie Thornton/I love how u love me-

"...You are my destiny, you are what u are to me, u are my happiness that's what u are.....You are my sweet caress, u share my loneliness, u are my dream come true....."
-Paul Anka/You are my destiny-

"...Nothing u confess could make me love u less.....I'll stand by you, I'll stand by u.......If u may get mad, dont hold it all inside come on and talk to me now, hey what u got to hide I get angry too, well I am a lot like u....when u are standing at the crossroads and don't know which path to choose, let me come along cos even if u are wrong...I'll stand by you...."
-Pretenders/I'll stand by u-

".....Hold, hold me for a while, before the morning takes u away....can u imagine how I'll miss ur touch and ur kiss, short moments of time we have left, to share our love...."

"......I wanna stand with u on a mountain, I wanna bath with u in the sea, I wanna lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me......."
-Savage Garden/Truly Madly Deeply-

"....Once in a lifetime u look in someones eyes, it feels like the world stops turning at once, thats what it felt like for me, I knew right away this days would be, standing together living forever was there in our reach...as love is my witness I swear i'll be with u till the end, nothing can tear this love apart I put my hand upon my heart, this is the promise I make to u, whatever comes we'll see it through.......We both know sorrow we have known heartache......but that brought us closer, it brought us together so that we know the real thing that's why I can say...."
-Westlife/As love is my witness-

"....I wasn't meant to love like this without u, cos when I look at my life how the pieces fall into place, it just wouldn't rhyme without u, when I see how my path seem to end up before ur face, the state of my heart the place where we are was written in the stars...."
-Westlife/Written in the stars-

"....Share my life take me for what I am cos I never change all my colors for u...........I'll never ask for too much just all that u are and everything that u do, I don't really need to look very much further I don't wanna have to go where u don't follow.........Don't make me close one more door I don't wanna hurt anymore stay in my arms if u dare or must I imagine u there, dont walk away from me. I have nothing, nothing, nothing if I don't have u!....U break down my walls with the strength of ur love..."
-Whitney Houston/I have nothing-

"..I know that when u look at me there is so much that u just don't see.........can't u see the hurt in me I feel so all alone, I wanna run to u, I wanna run to u, wont u hold me in ur arms and keep me safe from harm.......But if I come to u, tell me will u stay or will u run away?....."
-Whitney Houston/Run to you-

Ich liebe dich/I love you/Je t'aime/Te quiero/Ti amo

Yes, i do....
dedicated to my true Love

Many ppl told me I should let go, I even told that myself.
And yes I really think I should.
I am the only one who wants this relationship I guess.
I am the one who fights for it AGAIN.
But even though I know I should stop, I should move on and I should let him go, I just can't.
The reason is simple: I love him.
He was my first real love and he is my true love.
I can't imagine life without him and honestly I dont even want to.
I wont tell our whole story here, I know he wouldn't want me to and actually it doesn't matter.
Yes we had bad fights, bad times!
BUT we also had good times, perfect times full of Love, Laughter and Happiness.
I can truly say I never felt as good as when I was with him.
I know everything, our past, our mental conditions, our age, is against us but we made it through...
Well he left me for the second time a week ago, yes many of u will think WTF? is she that stupid to chase him after he left her again?
Yes I may appear needy or like I just can't let go.
But I don't care.
Right now I have to write this post.
He lives in AUS and I live in AT, we are far apart which is also a reason why we had bad fights.
It's not easy at all to have a relationship when u are not together in person.
I never wanted to have a long distance one but I couldn't help it.
I fell for him.
Last year he was here for 8 weeks, the best ones of my life even with crap happening.
It's hard to explain true love u know?
It's just there without any reason, while logic says NO that's not gonna work.
At the moment he ignores me and I am the one who looks at his page to see if he is okay, I just wanna know that nothing bad happened to him u know?
It hurts badly to see comments from him and to know he is not a part of my life any longer.
Last time when he ended it I was chasing him, I wrote posts and even made him a collage on his birthday, also a video...
I did everything to get him back.
And yes finally we got together again.
Again I was full of hope even though this pain of being left will always be there and yeah I always doubted his love for me and after he ended it it was even harder to believe, cos how can u leave someone if u love them?
But anyway, slowly I started building trust again, slowly I allowed myself to look forward to his next visit, slowly I allowed myself to think again of a future together ......
But yeah sadly last week he left me again, I hate that we are not together in person cos then I at least could have it clarified. It's hard to be left but even harder if it happens via internet.
So well I shouldn't chase him again.......I feel like a stalker and very cheap.
The same way I felt last time.
Cos if a person loves u, truly loves u, u shouldn't have to chase the person right?
I know that but can't help it, I love him and I just want this.
I can't understand why it doesn't work........
I can't understand how he can say he loves me and then leaves me while insulting me?
We both have our shitty past.
We both have mental conditions.
But this guy is the only one I want, I don't care about what is against us or what ppl say to this.
I even defended it when I had a fight last week with my mum.
He is the only one for me.
I just want to know why he can leave me so easily.......
I want to have him back, but this time for a lifetime.
I even had the wish to work(which is a big step for me as I have mental conditions and can't work)
I was willing to do what I can to get a job so we could start our own life here in AT.
So the government would allow him to stay.
But even though he said he wants that too, he left me and just ignores me.
I couldn't do that cos I love him so much and miss him badly, it is like I am not complete without him..
Well actually I am not, cos he is my other half.
Without him I just exist, I do try to fight and move on, I try working on my books and such.
But with him it was different, all made sense.......
He was my main reason for all I have done.
Without him it's just like........well existing as I said.
I can't do anything to get him back....
U can't force anyone to stay or love u, I know that....but pls can anyone tell me how to stop loving him, when there are all this memories in my heart and mind? not the bad ones but the good ones?
From when I called him my hero? From when I felt so safe in his arms?
From when I felt truly loved and accepted the way I am, for the first time in my life?
I achieved so much when I was with him, he always said I did it and not him, but I know for a fact that without him I would have never done some things, but I did them for him as well, to show him how much he means to me and to show him how serious I am with this love!
I wish I could just take a plane and fly to him and look him in the eyes, so I would finally know if he loves me or not....
I wish I would wake up and he would be here...
I wish he would fight for me but he doesn't....and that should show me he doesn't love me....
I wish he would call me, or make a video...I wish he would SMS me and tell me he has the ticket for the flight to me..
As he did last year, I still can remember how nervous I was when he came over in march(first we said we meet in may but then he couldn't wait)
I remember the first time I saw him in person at that bus station and how amazed I was.
I know what I thought,.that he looks amazing and I wanna run away cos I am ugly and fat.
I remember when he waved at me and I waved back.......when he saw me and smiled, when I gave him a hug and he hold me tight.
He took my face in his hands and looked at me, he gave me a kiss....I was overwhelmed and just thought noooo thats too soon, but it felt so good and we kissed each other for a few seconds..
It was perfect, we even used our tongues :)
He actually gave me my first real kiss....(cos the one I got from a 10 year old when I was 11, doesn't count, and a forced one in 2009 doesnt either)
And it felt so normal, so right, like we would have done it for years.
I was so shy, when we sat in the car to drive to where I live with my parents we held hands, and he talked and I couldn't say anything I was so amazed and it felt like a dream.
But everything was so easy with him, everything felt so right.
Watching TV, going out (yes me with socialphobia), sleeping in the same room, cuddling, kissing, eating together.
It felt like home.
I do know that I am difficult at times as well.
I know I am too dependant on my mum(due to my childhood) and I also was on him, cos I was so afraid to lose him, he was actually my family, the most important person in my life.
I guess he even thinks now that what I feel is only co-dependancy but it's not, cos I do live without him.
I don't kill myself or such but I want him in my life!
I am not dependant on anyone anymore!
I just love and miss him.
I want to spend my life with him!
Every second!
That's not dependancy thats love! Why can't he see that?
Maybe because he doesn't love me`?
I don't know.........
I wish he would read this but he wont, especially because he doesn't like such long texts
But I just had to write it down.
I am not co dependant or such......I just want him to love me as much as I love him, I want him to move to me(like he promised) so we can have our own life even though I know how hard that would be for him....cos he has kids there.
He said he finally accepts the fact he can't be with them, but he can be with me and thats what he wants!
I believed him.....
even after he first time he left me I believed when he said he wants to move to me if there is any chance to be allowed to stay.......
And now? What shall I do?
I can't do anything......I did everything I could.
Now it's up to him......
If he reads  this post,  this is for him:
I love you baby, please come back and actually stay with me, I will give us another chance(I guess it's the third one), I don't care what others say.
I do want u to be healthy( u know what I am talking about), I want u to know I will always love and support u if u let me.
I promise to start new with my trust in u and let the past be past, it will be hard for me and sometimes it will just overwhelm me, but I promise to do my best!
I want u, I want our love and I want a future with u!
If u still love me and want the same, just let us try it again!
Because if u still love me u don't want us to be apart for ever....
If u love me u will fight for this as much as I do.
If u love me u will come back to me I know that..
If not...please know that I will keep my memories and u will always be my first love!
Thank u for the experiences and ur love and ur support....
Sometimes I felt like u gave me too less love and support but I do know that when u did I felt so safe and loved and that is something I thought I'd never experience! Thank u for that!
Ich liebe dich mein Schatz <3

True Heroes! And some thoughts about my true love!

Yes they exist.
Everywhere you can find them u just have to look around and get to know ppl.
I saw a lot of TV shows where they show some of them, also there are heaps of inspiring videos on Youtube.
Right now I will only mention a little girl and her mum, but I dedicate this post to all the fighters out there!
Stay strong!

Fiona-Melina  Oertl, a few months ago :)
Well a year ago I saw this TV show called Extraordinary ppl (german television) and yes there I saw this little girl called Fiona-Melina, she is pretty she is loveable BUT also she has a very rare health condition. Only 4 ppl ever suffered from it. She is the only one who still lives.
I will post the episode, it's in german but I just want u to actually "meet" her.
This little girl has become 4 years last december.
Doctors said she wont become older than 2,5 years.
Imagine what a horrible diagnosis that was for the parents and the family.
Yvonne, Fionas mum, never gave up on her daughter, she is only 27 but she is one of the strongest ppl I ever saw.
Fiona suffers from Partial monosomy 9p(Chromosome 9, Partial Monosomy 9p is a rare chromosomal disorder in which there is deletion (monosomy) of a portion of the 9th chromosome. Characteristic symptoms and findings include mental retardation; distinctive malformations of the skull and facial (craniofacial) region, such as an abnormally shaped forehead (i.e., trigonocephaly), upwardly slanting eyelid folds (palpebral fissures), and unusually flat midfacial regions (midfacial hypoplasia); structural malformations of the heart (congenital heart defects); genital defects in affected males and females; and/or additional physical abnormalities. In most cases, Chromosome 9, Partial Monosomy 9p appears to result from spontaneous (de novo) errors very early in embryonic development that occur for unknown reasons (sporadically).)
Still Fiona is one of the true heroes, she learned to walk, she can speak a little, she laughs a lot and most of all she gives true unconditional love!
She had a dolphin therapy which helped her much, when they were there in Turkey she immediately screamed less(she tended to scream for 10 hours a day), she laughed a lot and had a good time with her mum and her grandfather.
This only happened because many ppl donated money for it.
Which shows that there are ppl who actually care for others and that makes me think that maybe the world isn't lost. There is still humanity on this planet!!!
So of course if u can donate pls do so, even only a euro, it helps definitely.
Of course i know there are many ppl who need help and money.
If I could I would donate for them all, seriously.
So yes I only talked about Fiona, I want her to be known as the hero she is.
I want ppl to actually care for others!
And well when I saw the episode for the first time last year, I had a big fight with my then fiancee, and after I saw it I just asked myself "Why do we have to complicate our lives"? "Why do we hurt the ppl we love when we should be thankful that we have them?" When we should enjoy every little second we have with them? 
Today well it's the same thought but sadly he is no longer my fiancee.
Anyway I love him and miss him but that's not where the focus should be in this post so I just think I(and many others of u) should be thankful for the Life I have been given.
It's not always easy, as u know I have been through a lot and still my life is very hard to deal with.
BUT ppl like this little girl make me see that I have to be thankful that I am mostly healthy and that I am alive.
We all should keep that to our mind, especially when we have fights with our loved ones, just think twice if it's really necessary to put so much in those fights and endless discussions, if u should keep on with the fight when u better should enjoy the time together.
I am sad that my true love wont read this but I do hope that one day at least I can be thankful that I had him even though it was only for a year.
Yes I admit I doubted a lot of things he said or did and yes due to circumstances I do now as well, but inside there is this little voice that tells me I should believe in things he said, I should believe that he actually loved me, even though I don't love myself. I should believe that it was just not meant to be, that we have too much to deal with on our own so we can't stay in this relationship, I shouldn't think that he played a game and I was a fool. So yes I do believe in his love he had for me as good as I can 
I always called him "my hero" , yes we had very bad times and lot of shit happening in our past(when we werent together), also when we were a couple.
BUT he gave me back my will to live, he showed me even though I had troubles with believing it, that I am worthy!
When I looked in his eyes I saw that I was loved and no one can ever take that memory from me.
So I better stop now cos I am crying, I really miss him, but u can't force anyone to stay with u or to love u.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what u feel, you have to let go!
Anyway please always support other ppl.
Show them that the world is still full of Humanity and Love, show them that not every person is only selfabsorbed and egoistic.
To all the fighters, survivors and heroes: Please always stay strong, we will make it 
Fiona-Melina(the video)

Montag, 27. Januar 2014

Let's make the World a better place!!!

I am in this world since 23 years and what I have been through and what I've seen makes me think that maybe it would have been better to never have been born.
BUT I am here and so I will try to make this world a bit better.
Everyone wants to do something that will stay in everyones mind after we are long gone, that is not my goal, my goal is to reach ppl to encourage them, so we can ALL make something that will never be forgotten!

The sad thing is that most of the ppl nowadays only care about money, looks and Power.
But I do know there are others, who have pure hearts full of Love!
With this post I want to speak to all!

We have to wake up and see that this world is a gift! We should treat it as that!
We have to start living WITH and FOR the planet, NOT against it!
All of us, the tiniest little ant, need to stand together!

This is the world we live in!
And let's be honest it could be a much better place for many of us, right?
So then let us stand up and stand together, united as one!

There is no space for racism, hatred, arrogance, ignorance and Stupidity.
We have to stop judging others by their skin color, religion, looks, relationship status, age, money, gender!
We have to respect each other!
We are all living creatures so we all have rights.
And as human beings we have the right but also the duty to make this world a better world!
We also have the rights of our own opinions, religion and thoughts!
We should only judge people by their character and actions!

There is so much pain in this world! So much hunger!
Not only for food but also for respect, love and PEACE!
Imagine what we could all achieve if we would just wake up, open our eyes and actually SEE!
We have to start caring for others not only for ourselves!

We are all in this together!
We can make it happen!
Let us make the World, OUR World, the world we have been given, a better place for ALL!
We need to make a change, before it is too late!
WE ARE THE WORLD!(best song to keep this post to ur mind!)

Britney Spears I'll never stop loving you lyrics

I will never stop loving him, but sometimes that doesnt matter and u have to let go........

JUST A FOOL (Video Lyrics) - Christina Aguilera

......................without words.........

Sonntag, 26. Januar 2014

Standing up for People with mental health conditions!!!

Okay, i decided to make this post due to my current situation and because i want to help other ppl who suffer from depressions etc.
I do wanna make a post where it will be all about me and my conditions. But this one is for all of you who suffer from mental health conditions.
As we all know this can happen to everyone on the planet but still many ppl just don't think it exists or they just don't wanna see it.
I think we(all of us who have depressions and such or had them) need to support each other and stand up for each other, so the world actullay sees that we exist, that we suffer, that we fight and that we are not less worthy than "healthy" ppl.
We all know there are diseases and conditions that are worse than ours, like cancer, AIDS etc.
We all want that this diseases can be cured one day.
And in my case I do want to support them all as well.
But I do think that mental health conditions aren't that much noticed, many ppl think it's just a fake, and sadly many ppl use those conditions to just hide how lazy they are and yeah fake those things.
BUT I also know there are thousands who suffer from depressions, borderline, panic attacks, domestic violence, sexual abusement etc. and I wont give up to fight for them and with them till the day all the ppl in the world respect them, we are NOT Liars nor Fakers!
Also all should know by now, that mental health conditions are not contagious so why treat us like infected ppl?
Guess what I came across alot of ppl with depressions and such and yeah there are good ppl under them as well as bad ones but that's just how it is and how it also is when ppl are "healthy"
Actually I think most of the ppl who at least suffered once from such a condition are stronger and more helpful and understanding then those who never experienced such things.
I dont wanna judge anyone, I don't say every "healthy" person is mean.
I just think we, the ones with problems, need to be respected and treated like human beings, because we are!
I think I am gonna do some more posts like that and hope the word will be spread so that one day we don't have to be ashamed of telling others we have depressions, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks etc.
P.S: I decide to call US AtoZ-FIGHTERS! you wanna know why? cos there are so many of us with different conditions from A-Z sooo :)

Freitag, 24. Januar 2014

Suffering from Love........

"........I' d hope u see my face and that u be reminded that for me it isn't over........."
-Adele/Someone like you-

".....I never wanna see u unhappy, I thought u want the same for me....."
-A fine frenzy/Almost Lover-

"...Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind. Where do I go?...You were my first love, you were my true love. From the first kisses to the very last rose....Never look back we said, how was I to know I'd miss u so....."
-Britney Spears/From the bottom of my broken heart-

"....You've changed my life completely, I am touched by your love, even if I never see you again...."
-WET WET WET/if i never see you again-

."....All the things that we've been through, you should understand me like I understand you........What good is a love affair, when u can't see eye to eye......If you don't know me by now, you will never never know me...."
-Simply Red/If you dont know me by now-

"...But I dont wanna give up yet because.....Maybe u could stay a bit longer, I could try a bit harder, we could make this work.....But maybe we should stop pretending, both of us are hurting, maybe it's time to go...."
-Emeli Sande/Maybe-

."...Lately it seems the distance between us is growing too wide, I'm so afraid that u sayin its over, it's the last thing that I wanna hear, but if ur heart's not in it for real, please don't try to fake what u don't feel.....Anything u ask of my I'd do but I wont ask u to stay, I'd rather walk away if ur heart's not in it...."
-Westlife/If ur hearts not in it-

Donnerstag, 23. Januar 2014

Sarah McLachlan - Angel

Giving everything, but being nothing?

Giving everything for others, going through everything for them and with them.
Support and encourage them as good as you can and what do I get?
What did I ever get for being there for ppl? Nothing! It's not that when u help others u should expect something in return because then it would be just a selfish thing.
But being always the one who ends up hurting and lonely?
Is that fair? Life isn't fair, I definitely know that........But being always the ass for everyone?
Being called selfish etc.?
That's just crap and I am soooooooo tired of it.
It feels like I have no energy left, no strength.
I just have to accept the fact that in the end it's just me, without any kind of support or love.
It's sad and scary but I just don't wanna betray myself any longer with thinking someone could ever notice and appreciate what I do. It's irony though...my life due to my mental health was always dependant to someone, whether I wanted it or not..I  always just wanted to be truly loved and accepted for who I am....and in the end I am the one always fighting, I am the one always loving and supporting.....I know it's just me in this world, I have no one...And even though I know this, it's so damn hard to accept and move on......especially now that I have no idea where to get new strength from..I am tired of this life only full of struggles and pain.
I do know there are ppl who have way more to deal with but u know what?
I just don't wanna hear it.
I am a caring, helping, person but why the hell no one cares for me?
What the hell did I do to deserve constantly being treated like shit by ppl I love and whom I want to love me as well?
Well everyone thinks they can treat me they way they want, but now that's over.
I just can't do it any longer.
I do know now I gotta fight on my own and for myself only.
I do have my limits and believe me I went further than them but one day it's just well there is no way further.
It's the end, the end of my strength.
I experienced nothing but pain in this world and in the end when I thought I finally found someone it again hurt me but this time it, well, simply broke me......Maybe some ppl will say this sounds like I am a martyr or something well guess what? I don't give a damn, this is my heart speaking you know? Every person has limits and mine have been reached years ago.....

Sonntag, 12. Januar 2014

The difference between Daydreams

So much happened and still happens.
Sadly I never find the time to write here LOL. So busy.
But when I have ideas for blogposts I write them down and will definitely post them one day :)
So now to the subject DAYDREAMS I think we all have or had them.
So here is the difference between the two kinds of Daydreams :)
The first kind of Daydreams are the ones where we know we will never be able to achieve/experience them like me dreaming about having a big house with my own library, TV room and pool, I mean sure I could win in the lottery(even though I dont play it :) or I can be lucky and become famous as writer but let's be honest the chance that this happens is not that high so I know if there is no wonder happening I will never have that.
But I love to have these kind of daydreams I mean it's so cool to dive into them and be there and be happy.
I know they are not real and will never be but it's nice to know I can dream and set it as my impossible goal to reach :)
The second kind of Daydreams are those we could achieve/experience well not without a bit luck as well cos as we all know every day could be our last.
But you know what I mean.
For example one of my daydreams of that category: Me having a child :)
So I guess its obvious where the differences are :)
Dream big! ( it can never be wrong) 

Freitag, 3. Januar 2014

First real Post since months :)

Yeaaaah I finally write something here :) I was kind of busy during the last days plus depressive because of my ex.
Anyway I do so much on my pages and all my networks and also meet new writers and yeah I guess I made a big step forward as I wanna reach my goal of being published one day.
Well I created a second blog just today where it will be only about BOOKS cos this one here will be more about well private stuff and emotions and well everything else :)