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Montag, 8. September 2014

When u have to apologize for buying food.........

NO I don't joke....

First I have to say I still live at home(I am 24, right now looking for a job so I can move out as things get worse here, I am still here because mental problems made me unable to work....)

So my awesome, and so generous mother let me stay here, I get food(if we have money) and my meds(at least most of them).

Okay some of you may know that I have a lot of stress with my mother and her husband especially lately.
Anyway things were better after I decided to stay home alone on the weekends while they are in the House.

Yes well till today...
My mother gave me 30 Euros on friday for food and drinks for the three days.
She allowed me to order food.
Which I did on friday(after I decided I have to eat something even though the stress with my fiancee didn't let me be very hungry), I ordered food for 28,90Euro(I spent all 30 because I planned to only order once and dont eat on the other days)
I don't have to tell you, that things are expensive no matter where u buy them especially lately we had very high raisings here in austria, but anyway....
On sunday I got hungry and really struggled with the decision but ordered again(no shops are open on Sunday here) ordered for 22,90. (I do think it's not fair that u had to order at least for 20 Euros as that has changed with that delievery service).

So yes can u imagine that? I was sooo scared of telling my parents but eventually I did.
Now my mother came home from work....
Oh yeah and the shitstorm hit me.
She got upset, yelled at me, said she has no money and that they never can buy things for themselves, can't enjoy the life etc.
I was shocked and well of course defended myself as she is the one who always says she supports me as good as she can.........BS!
Considering that they spend 300 euros a month alone for cigarettes plus a lot of money for alcohol it kinda made me upset.
Well of course it's her money as she works to earn it, but how can she dare to yell at me?
How can she dare to say she has nothing from life? They were just on 2 festivals lately.........
Then when I got upset and said that I have no idea what's her problem and I think she is unfair......she said I am only in that mood because of the stress with my fiancee.........Yeah that made me angry and I said thats BS and that I am upset because she blames me for us not having enough money........
She then yelled at me that they know what's up with me and that I want to fight with them and well simply that I am the one to blame for everything......I am used to that but yes it brought tears to my eyes and my hands were shaking.......my nerves...
But she didn't care, and he didn't either as he said nothing....
So I went to my room where I am now and had to write this post........
Just today the shaking and panic attacks stoped(that I had to deal with since a few days) and now this? Greeeeeat.........I am hungry now but wont eat anything and she can keep the money(as I bought the second meal from my birtdhay money)........

I hope I will find a job soon so I can buy what I want and I hope I will never ever have to endure times of not having enough money to buy food.....(as I often had to endure in the past and recent past)

Yes I would need my man.....but as we have stress at the moment I am all alone.....and I want to be there for him as well even though I can't understand why he feels the way he feels now and is like he is now to me.......but I love him so I want to be there for him and will be, I just think it's so typical my life, when one tornado hits me, a hurricane is not so far away...WOW that was poetic :) and I made myself smile.....never thought I would have that much strength.......still I am not strong enough I think...but who knows? maybe I will be one day :)