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Donnerstag, 4. September 2014

Being accused of something you didn't do

It's been a while since my last post, but tonight I have to write something down.

It wasn't a good day at all, I wont go into details but yes there was a fight with my fiancee....
I feel awful, it's like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it into a dustbin...
So if there is someone who wants to know how a real heartbreak feels, come on and ask me.

Well anyway.......

Now to what the title of this post says.

I guess many of you know how it feels when u are accused of something you didn't do or say.
It happened to me many times before and now again.
I am in a relationship with a man who has three kids, he puts them first and me second.
I had a big problem with that in the beginning as it did hurt, especially because he said some things like.
"In a perfect world I would be ONLY with my kids" or "Kids are forever, women not"

Now to what happened today.
I posted a status on Facebook from a page that is about marriage.
It said that in a marriage there is no space for a child, father, mother, brother, friend etc.
2 is a marriage 3 is a crowd.
Well I can honestly say what I wanted to say with it when I posted it.
And I don't think they meant it the way my fiancee thinks.
I liked and shared this status because I agree, in the actual marriage there is no space for others, as everything that happens in the marriage and between the two partners is their thing and only theirs, that's not anyone elses business, not even that of the kids.
I mean we all know some even use kids to put the other one under pressure etc.
He thinks I am jealous of his kids, and that I want him to decide between me and them, which I don't want.
Of course he had to add that he would choose them but I knew that, and I accepted that a while ago.
He commented under the status saying that he KNOWS spouses are not always forever but kids are, which is even right in a way but hearing him saying that again, and how he means it, did hurt ( I guess no woman or man wants to feel average and just like one of many women or men who come and go, especially not when the plan is to marry in 9 months)
Anyway I answered he should then overthink if he even should marry a second time with such an attitude and then well then he did it.
He said maybe that's true cos my attitude sucks.
He told me he wont have contact with me as he is angry at me and furious. If I keep on bringing that up when I know his kids are the core of his soul, there is nothing he has to say to me.
Yep there it is a classic one, I was being accused of bringing something up or better said in this case complaining about something again, and not for the first time.
The thing is as I wrote here, I didn't mean to make him feel that's what I wanted to say with that status but he didn't listen.
He accuses me often of doing the same bullshit over and over again when I don't, like in this case.
But u can't do anything, u are being accused and u have to listen and let the person attack you and all u can think is "WTF did happen?" I tried to defend myself and explain myself but he didn't listen, thats often the problem, the person who accuses u of things has this opinion and no matter if it's right or wrong, no matter if u really did or said what the person accuses u of u can't change their mind.

So I had to read a lot of these things, and now I am still shocked cos things were fine lately........
Probably he knows that now I will come to my own conclusions and think what could be the reason for this.........
Maybe we had too much contact? And yes it feels like he desperately searches for a reason to have a big fight with me, cos even before this he turned my messages who were all positive into negative stuff and me being ignorant.
So yes, I feel horrible but I know for a fact I didn't do what he accuses me off and I know for a fact that I didn't behave wrong.....but that doesn't really help........

I love him so much, that this hurts more than anything could ever hurt me........
There were many fights between us in the past and I know a relationship will never be without them, but not like this......I really thought something like this will never happen again but it did, and then he wonders why it's so hard to trust him and believe that things he says are true and will happen.
But I did again and now? Again my heart is shattered........I don't know what will happen next but I know if he ever reads this post he will be even angrier cos he will think I want to play the victim and it has to be all about me........How wrong he is he will never see I guess.....But well if he doesn't know me and my feelings, especially with such important things, by now he will never know or doesn't want to know them because he rather thinks I am an arrogant, selfish woman whose only purpose in life is to make him feel bad.......