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Sonntag, 21. September 2014

Complicated........

Yeah my life is complicated, it has always been and maybe it will always be.

Well I am sitting here and write this post, while P!nk sings "Fu**in Perfect", one of my favorite songs.
Coincidence? Not sure.

Anyway...I don't feel very good since a few days.
Yes it's again because of my fiancee.

Just a few hours ago he sent me a SMS, telling me I shall never doubt his love for me.......
I don't know what to say, I mean I guess he does know he didn't contact me in any way since thursday?
(We have a long distance rel.)

I was just lying down, about to sleep when the phone rang(the SMS).......and immediately, even though I was already kinda drifting into sleep, I was awake and sitting in my bed, having a weird feeling, like a stone would have fallen from my heart.
I told myself "Okay calm down, maybe it is not him" but then I thought, who else would send me a SMS at midnight? (he lives in Australia)
When I read it, I immediately started crying........
Then I couldn't go back to sleep, so since then I sit here and play games on FB(it's now 6am).
I have problems with my sleep and especially lately it was horrible..I am kinda tired now but in a way I stayed awake to not have to deal with my feelings......and actually to don't have to admit that after all, and after all the tears I cried because of him, just in the last few days, just this SMS made me feel better and gave me energy and even the shaking and being not able to breathe properly is gone......
I hate to admit it, but that's him.........
It's amazing, wonderful but at the same time scary and annoying that he has such a power over me and my feelings...........

Just before I got this SMS from him I was talking to myself(only in my mind) that I have to focus on myself and my life, that I have to move on and accept it's never gonna work........
And then exactly in that moment the SMS arrived.........Coincidence? Not sure again....

Complicated? YES for sure.........one word to describe my life? COMPLICATED......hmm sounds like an idea for a movie about my life ;) LOL