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Samstag, 25. Oktober 2014

Somebody to lean on?

Some of u may read that my dad has a thrombosis, thank god he will be okay.
Well just a few days after that diagnosis my aunt called me...my granny had a bad car accident, she is 81, was sent to hospital, now she is on the intensive care unit, her leg is broken and she has a cerebral hemorrhage, they had to put her into a coma.........She also has cancer since years.....
Well I do think she wont survive that long and I was in shock, I cried.
I didn't have that much contact with her in the last years but I can honestly say I am the only one in this family who honestly cares, but thats another story....
No one showed compassion for me, that made it worse.....I felt alone.again.
So here I am, having the flu, being sad becos of my granny and well just in general.......
I really could use a hug, a nice word, warmth and someone who holds me..
Don't we need that all?
A person, only one person where we can let our walls come down and be weak?
To whom we can go when we are certain that we can't fight any longer?
Someone who is there for us in our darkest hours?
Yeah well if u are religious u have ur faith, I have my faith as well but that's not what I mean, I mean a human being.......
I wish that person could be my fiancee, I love him so much, we will probably marry next year..........but he can't be there like this for me..I know it's not his fault as he has conditions and problems on his own.but the only person I can think of daily and especially when I am sad is him, I want him to hug me, kiss me on the forehead, hold me, well simply be there for me as I am and always will be for him as good as I can and when he let me......:( I know that only he could make me feel content, save and happy..........And it breaks my heart to know he can't be there for me like this anymore......it's not fair.........
And I have no idea how to deal with that fact...it is so hard and I know it's not good for me, neither mentally nor physically when I need to hold back my thoughts and feelings........it's a shitty thing......but I have to do so.........
He was the one who made me believe in myself and my dreams, he made me go out in public again, he gave me so much strength....
Only becos of him I got my will to live back...and my faith that there is a future for me......he once said I would never ever be alone again..he would always be there for me to protect and support me.....and now he can't........
It hurts so much especially becos I know if he reads this he will be upset, disappointed and angry at me......I do everything I can to be the best fiancee, I love him, I care for him I am there for him but he never sees it.......I wish we both wouldn't have our baggage.......I wish we would be "normal" ........

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