|dedicated to my true Love|
Many ppl told me I should let go, I even told that myself.
And yes I really think I should.
I am the only one who wants this relationship I guess.
I am the one who fights for it AGAIN.
But even though I know I should stop, I should move on and I should let him go, I just can't.
The reason is simple: I love him.
He was my first real love and he is my true love.
I can't imagine life without him and honestly I dont even want to.
I wont tell our whole story here, I know he wouldn't want me to and actually it doesn't matter.
Yes we had bad fights, bad times!
BUT we also had good times, perfect times full of Love, Laughter and Happiness.
I can truly say I never felt as good as when I was with him.
I know everything, our past, our mental conditions, our age, is against us but we made it through...
Well he left me for the second time a week ago, yes many of u will think WTF? is she that stupid to chase him after he left her again?
Yes I may appear needy or like I just can't let go.
But I don't care.
Right now I have to write this post.
He lives in AUS and I live in AT, we are far apart which is also a reason why we had bad fights.
It's not easy at all to have a relationship when u are not together in person.
I never wanted to have a long distance one but I couldn't help it.
I fell for him.
Last year he was here for 8 weeks, the best ones of my life even with crap happening.
It's hard to explain true love u know?
It's just there without any reason, while logic says NO that's not gonna work.
At the moment he ignores me and I am the one who looks at his page to see if he is okay, I just wanna know that nothing bad happened to him u know?
It hurts badly to see comments from him and to know he is not a part of my life any longer.
Last time when he ended it I was chasing him, I wrote posts and even made him a collage on his birthday, also a video...
I did everything to get him back.
And yes finally we got together again.
Again I was full of hope even though this pain of being left will always be there and yeah I always doubted his love for me and after he ended it it was even harder to believe, cos how can u leave someone if u love them?
But anyway, slowly I started building trust again, slowly I allowed myself to look forward to his next visit, slowly I allowed myself to think again of a future together ......
But yeah sadly last week he left me again, I hate that we are not together in person cos then I at least could have it clarified. It's hard to be left but even harder if it happens via internet.
So well I shouldn't chase him again.......I feel like a stalker and very cheap.
The same way I felt last time.
Cos if a person loves u, truly loves u, u shouldn't have to chase the person right?
I know that but can't help it, I love him and I just want this.
I can't understand why it doesn't work........
I can't understand how he can say he loves me and then leaves me while insulting me?
We both have our shitty past.
We both have mental conditions.
But this guy is the only one I want, I don't care about what is against us or what ppl say to this.
I even defended it when I had a fight last week with my mum.
He is the only one for me.
I just want to know why he can leave me so easily.......
I want to have him back, but this time for a lifetime.
I even had the wish to work(which is a big step for me as I have mental conditions and can't work)
I was willing to do what I can to get a job so we could start our own life here in AT.
So the government would allow him to stay.
But even though he said he wants that too, he left me and just ignores me.
I couldn't do that cos I love him so much and miss him badly, it is like I am not complete without him..
Well actually I am not, cos he is my other half.
Without him I just exist, I do try to fight and move on, I try working on my books and such.
But with him it was different, all made sense.......
He was my main reason for all I have done.
Without him it's just like........well existing as I said.
I can't do anything to get him back....
U can't force anyone to stay or love u, I know that....but pls can anyone tell me how to stop loving him, when there are all this memories in my heart and mind? not the bad ones but the good ones?
From when I called him my hero? From when I felt so safe in his arms?
From when I felt truly loved and accepted the way I am, for the first time in my life?
I achieved so much when I was with him, he always said I did it and not him, but I know for a fact that without him I would have never done some things, but I did them for him as well, to show him how much he means to me and to show him how serious I am with this love!
I wish I could just take a plane and fly to him and look him in the eyes, so I would finally know if he loves me or not....
I wish I would wake up and he would be here...
I wish he would fight for me but he doesn't....and that should show me he doesn't love me....
I wish he would call me, or make a video...I wish he would SMS me and tell me he has the ticket for the flight to me..
As he did last year, I still can remember how nervous I was when he came over in march(first we said we meet in may but then he couldn't wait)
I remember the first time I saw him in person at that bus station and how amazed I was.
I know what I thought,.that he looks amazing and I wanna run away cos I am ugly and fat.
I remember when he waved at me and I waved back.......when he saw me and smiled, when I gave him a hug and he hold me tight.
He took my face in his hands and looked at me, he gave me a kiss....I was overwhelmed and just thought noooo thats too soon, but it felt so good and we kissed each other for a few seconds..
It was perfect, we even used our tongues :)
He actually gave me my first real kiss....(cos the one I got from a 10 year old when I was 11, doesn't count, and a forced one in 2009 doesnt either)
And it felt so normal, so right, like we would have done it for years.
I was so shy, when we sat in the car to drive to where I live with my parents we held hands, and he talked and I couldn't say anything I was so amazed and it felt like a dream.
But everything was so easy with him, everything felt so right.
Watching TV, going out (yes me with socialphobia), sleeping in the same room, cuddling, kissing, eating together.
It felt like home.
I do know that I am difficult at times as well.
I know I am too dependant on my mum(due to my childhood) and I also was on him, cos I was so afraid to lose him, he was actually my family, the most important person in my life.
I guess he even thinks now that what I feel is only co-dependancy but it's not, cos I do live without him.
I don't kill myself or such but I want him in my life!
I am not dependant on anyone anymore!
I just love and miss him.
I want to spend my life with him!
That's not dependancy thats love! Why can't he see that?
Maybe because he doesn't love me`?
I don't know.........
I wish he would read this but he wont, especially because he doesn't like such long texts
But I just had to write it down.
I am not co dependant or such......I just want him to love me as much as I love him, I want him to move to me(like he promised) so we can have our own life even though I know how hard that would be for him....cos he has kids there.
He said he finally accepts the fact he can't be with them, but he can be with me and thats what he wants!
I believed him.....
even after he first time he left me I believed when he said he wants to move to me if there is any chance to be allowed to stay.......
And now? What shall I do?
I can't do anything......I did everything I could.
Now it's up to him......
If he reads this post, this is for him:
I love you baby, please come back and actually stay with me, I will give us another chance(I guess it's the third one), I don't care what others say.
I do want u to be healthy( u know what I am talking about), I want u to know I will always love and support u if u let me.
I promise to start new with my trust in u and let the past be past, it will be hard for me and sometimes it will just overwhelm me, but I promise to do my best!
I want u, I want our love and I want a future with u!
If u still love me and want the same, just let us try it again!
Because if u still love me u don't want us to be apart for ever....
If u love me u will fight for this as much as I do.
If u love me u will come back to me I know that..
If not...please know that I will keep my memories and u will always be my first love!
Thank u for the experiences and ur love and ur support....
Sometimes I felt like u gave me too less love and support but I do know that when u did I felt so safe and loved and that is something I thought I'd never experience! Thank u for that!
Ich liebe dich mein Schatz <3