Two Men = One too much

Who would have ever thought that this could happen to me?
Well I didn't even think that there was a tiny little chance for me to ever get into such a situation, but now I am here.
Standing between two men, not knowing what to do.
Insecure about my feelings.
One man is the one I loved more than my life (I don't even know if I should say loveD or love)
That man was my first true love, my first man in so many ways.
I loved him for such a long time and I still have feelings for him, I just don't know what kind of.
Do I still love him? Or is it just the memories I have with him? Do I love him still or do I love how we used to be?
One man is the one I met just a week ago online, and met in real life just yesterday.....
That man is really nice and I like talking with him, He makes me laugh.
He is the one who made me "forget" about the other one for a whole day, which didn't happen since I met the other 3 years ago.
What exactly do I feel for him? I don't know, now that I know how it feels when I truly love someone, I have to admit I don't love him that way, not yet.....
But saying I don't care for him would be a lie. Saying he is just a friend would be a lie.
And I don't wanna lie to anyone and I don't wanna ever lie again to myself.
What shall I do? I don't know.
The man I was with for 3 years is obviously not loving me anymore, if he ever did......
We went through so much together, so many bad times, yet so many good times and not to forget about the times it was perfect.
I felt safe in his arms, I felt like finally having someone to trust, someone to fight for me and with me for a good future.
We were engaged, our wedding should have been in November last year.....
So it is probably too soon to fall in love again.
Especially because neither of us ended it yet.....
He was just no longer responding to Messages and Calls, he does comment under some pictures online even using a nickname for me just a few days ago, which made me smile.
So the question of the questions is: What if HE, the one I fell in love with 3 years ago, would call me or write me that he still loves me, that he wants to be with me? Would I let the other man down and go back to him or would I tell him I found someone new?
I always thought such a question is easy to answer....well it is not!
Standing between two men, not knowing what to feel, not knowing whom to trust and believe........
I was betrayed by my first man and even if I would fall for the second one, how could I ever trust in Love again?............

How BULLYING affects my life

Dont wonder this is a remake, I am not 22 anymore...........for any questions just contact me.....
Believe me it was still so damn hard to make this video, the memories come back and the pain and fear...........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YatVuluG1zQ

#OursToLose: Climate Change Affects the Things We Love

It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved?

If I ever meet someone who tells me "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved", I would have to punch him in the face and say: "Hey, this is not true, I have loved and I have lost and it hurts more than anything could ever hurt.
If I would have never met Love though, the pain, that will always be a part of me, wouldn't be there.
So stop going around, telling people this lie.
If they love and lose they WILL hurt to the core of their soul and it will literally feel like dying, and a part of them WILL actually die.
If they never love, they will miss out on something spectacular, something that keeps you warm in the cold, something that makes you cry when you are happy and laugh when you are sad BUT at least they will never have to deal with the heartbreaking, backstabbing, undying pain."

Love and Lose = heartbreaking Pain
Never love = Missing out on something amazing, no heartbreaking Pain

And that's the truth and nothing but the truth!

Dear Mr. Unnamed

Can you remember when you told me that the kind of Love I want exists only in books and movies?
And that I am naive to expect it from anyone?
Here is my late reply, I may have been naive to expect it from someone who thinks it doesn't exist.
But I know it does exist in real life and I have various proofs for that.
Take a look at social media or Youtube and you will find heaps and heaps of videos, pictures, stories and footage of people who love each other the way I want to be loved, the way I love you.
People who are married for 50 years or more and still feel comfortable with each other, people who see each oher everyday, and surely have fights and bad days but still manage to keep the fire burning.
People who do put work in a relationship so it never grows old, people who are there for each other always, people who keep promises, people who truly love each other and don't need no other woman/man. People who truly live "Until death do us part".
Actually I should feel sorry for you because you will never ever experience such a love, you can't because you don't even believe it exists.
So what I expected was never a perfect relationship or a perfect love, that doesn't exist, what I expected was the kind of love you think only exists in movies, books and is a fairytale that little girlies who never grew up believe.
The kind of love that is true, pure, honest and worth more than anything and can't be compared with the love for a child, a parent or a friend........
It's the kind of love people call True Love, the realest love between two people who meet one day and feel as if they had always known each other.............

TRUE LOVE DOES EXIST and if you or anyone else don't believe it does I don't care for I know it does even though not everyone will experience it...........

October - a not so good month

Yes it is october and yes I do like the colder months more than the hot ones.......
I do like Halloween a lot.
But still October is not a good month.especially this year.

Where shall I start?
Hmm well yesterday we had 24 degrees and the sun was shining, and I hate it, I think we had enough summer.......but that's the climatic change, whom some still deny.

But what's worse than the weather is that in just 28 days my 3rd anniversary would have been.
Why I say woud have been? Well guess...
And well the 31st October will always have a bad meaning.
On that day 12 years ago my siblings were taken away from us and I was taken away too from home but "only" for a year while my siblings never returned........

I remember it as it would have been yesterday it was horrible and the day seemed to be froever ruined......until I met HIM online at night of the 31st October 2012, back then I didn't know what this guy would mean to me and how things would be.
Back then I had made a video about my bullying story, I did that after I read that Amanda Todd killed herself, I saw her video and decided to do the same, not to get Likes or attention but to open up and to try to get over it. It was the first time ever that I uploaded a video to Youtube and with that it all started.

I then wrote to a page that I liked before called "Amanda Todds Safe Haven" and asked them if I could post my video on their page..........Two of the admins messaged me back, one was a woman I can't remember her name she was really nice and said yes, so I did that.
The second message was from a man, he was encouraging me and telling me that he finds me courageous to do something like that.
He made me a few compliments and I was really happy about it as I used to hide, because of my weight and looks and such.
So well I posted the video and well that man messaged me more often, in the next days we talked a lot on FB......We flirted and I started feeling more for him, something I could define back then...........
After a while I got messages from women telling me he does that to every woman who seems fragile or has mental conditions, the other admins of that page even kicked him out because he allegedly has used that page to get in touch with various girls there.......
I remember the shock and the pain I felt.
He said he didn't do that ad that I was special.....and when I said I am not sure about our contact he said he will send me a heart everyday while I am away........When I came back from my grandparents I saw the messages, everyday he had sent me a heart.....I could no longer deny what I was feeling and for the first time in my whole life I was truly in love......
From that day on our journey began, many ppl threw obstacles in our way, somehow we managed to make it through even through the worst times.......of cheating, lies and a breakup......
People have warned me, my own grandparents mistreated him........
I always stood up for him even though I had trust issues, and it took me a long time before I could trust him.
So in just 4 more weeks it would have been our 3rd anniversary and a month later our wedding was planned..........Neither of that will happen.

Maybe we were just too different, had to different needs in a relationship and maybe our mental conditions made it all even worse. Or maybe all were right and he is just a player..I was an easy target for I was the one fighting fro him and us...maybe he was just an ass but I still find it hard to think that as we did have great times and talks......

I remember all the bad fights we had online and in person..
We had only 13 weeks in total in person as he lives in Australia while I live in Austria.

I do know though he was my first true love.
I dont know if he cheated more than once, or if he lied, or if he really ever wanted to move to my country and live with me.....I don't know any of these things......All I know is my life is empty without him.....
And no I am not overdramatic this is how I feel and I can't deal with the situation, so I just sit on my laptop and play games all day long till I go to bed......I know that I have to move on......I keep on telling myself that I am not allowed to love him anymore,..

Since a few days I am pretty good in repressing certain thoughts and feelings.........but I either feel numb, sad or hopeless......but well I have to force myself to do certain things as my life is not over yet.....it is more an existing but I have to keep on existing until my day has come.......

Is it Dependency or Love? Two different kinds of Dependency

Many ppl don't understand what true love is. Some even confuse it with dependency.

Yes when u are without the one u love u feel lonely, you are weak, sad and it seems nothing makes sense and yes it sounds like dependency or being overdramatic but do u know what it is? Love!

Dependency is not love it is a condition someone feels, caused from the fear of being alone, clinging to a person who claims to love u so u don't have to be alone,

So believe me I know both btdt.......Never confuse Love with Dependency just because things are meaningless to u when you are without the one u love!

I myself can truly say I love someone and thus my happiness and the way I feel is in a way dependant on him just because only with him I can be happy, he doesn't understand that never did but now it doesn't matter anyway,

I just want to tell u, whoever reads this, never let anyone tell u that it is wrong to feel sad or feel like you can't be truly happy without the one you love, that is true love, that is sadly how it feels.......But never be afraid of truly loving someone it s the strongest feeling, and surely the best you can ever feel.

As some of you may now I have some serious mental conditions and yes also dependent traits(whatever that means lol) nah seriously I think I do know what it means and as I wrote in this post it comes from my past and things I experienced. It made me totally clinge on my mother when I was a child until a few years ago. She was the only one I had and I always tried to make her proud and impress her, I always wanted to be loved by her, like I was when I was a little child.

I guess in the eyes of some that is dependency. I was never dependent on him though, he just never realized or cared.

So let me end this post again with saying Dependency is not Love but true Love will cause you to be a bit dependent on the other one, like I said with feeling happy or complete, that is not wrong and not weird that is how it should be and ur partner doesn't feel the same? He says he can be happy without you etc.? Then he doesn't truly love you......